Mourinho issues relocation decree

Legions of loyal Chelsea subjects were left speechless this weekend as plans emerged which suggested that the famous conquering Blues were on the move. After issuing his latest proclamation, Emperor Mourinho lowered himself to confirm that reports suggesting Chelsea were to move to a new ground were true: "Yes, it’s true," Mourinho decreed before dismissing the assembled hoi-polloi with a clap of the hands and a perfunctory "leave me now". Sensationally, The Rockall Times can reveal that this ground is the world-famous Coliseum in Rome.

Understood to have been vacant for a number of years, the Coliseum will combine the ultimate in sporting heritage with a unique atmosphere for spectators. At least this is the view of club-hopping Chelsea minion Peter Kenyon: "This is a good move for the club and the peasants. There have been some tremendous sporting struggles here over the millennia, and we hope to add to that legacy in our quest for domination in Europe. His Excellency has made it clear to everyone at the club that European success would mean a ground move, in order that we can effectively bestride the Champions League like the colossus we have become."

However, not all was well amongst the intimidated silent minority of supporters. Russet-faced former Blues supremo Ken Bates has dared to voice his disapproval of the move: "This is bad for the club and bad for the country. Chelsea have always been based in Londinium, nowhere else," he thundered, adding in a veiled threat directed at Mourinho: "Beware the Ides of March."

Despite these doubts, the move looks certain to go ahead, with club management planning some exciting inauguration activity. Gladiators will make a pre-match comeback after being off our screens for a number of years, and the host being touted for the job is none other than jungle-savvy bribe-taker John Fashanu. Emperor Mourinho will preside over these light hearted shenanigans, pronouncing with upturned or down thrust thumb whether the challenger should qualify for the quarter finals or be thrown to the lions.

In a further move calculated to mollify those malcontents opposed to the move, it was learned that Christians would be barred from attending the new ground. Mourinho again: "Nobody likes Terry Christian, least of all me. If he is caught trying to gain entry to the ground I’ll have him crucified. This audience is now over — goodbye."

Previously

• Crowds flock to the miracle chair of Porto
• Chelsea's Mourinho lays down the law
• Slobodan Milosevic to buy Burton Albion