Florida braced for hurricane

Florida's bartenders were last night making final preparations for the imminent arrival of Hurricane Higgins, as the rest of the population made their way to emergency shelters. The Hurricane has been active in Northern Ireland for some years and is currently pounding bars in East Belfast, bringing in its wake massive drink shortages. It is expected to hit Florida on Monday when BA 673 lands at Miami International.

Florida governor, Jeb Bush, has declared a state of emergency, but was swift to reassure the population: "We believe we have sufficient stocks of stout and Jameson's to avert any major catastophe, but should the need arise we can call on the State of Georgia's stockpile of Old Bushmills." Though this is the first time a major snooker player has threatened Florida, the Bahamas suffered devastating cocaine shortages after being hit by Whirlwind Jimmy White in 1999. The worst is expected to be over in a fortnight when the Hurricane's two-centre, multi-activity autumn break comes to an end.

A woman from East Sussex is today recovering in hospital after a suicide bid provoked by the slowing property market. Susan Montgomery, 37, took an overdose of barbiturates after arranging a diner party at which she intended to declare a substantial rise in the value of her three-bed semi for the 932nd consecutive month. She was, however, horrified to discover that its market valuation last Friday was identical to that of the week before. Fearing that she did not have a back-up topic of conversation, Montgomery decided to kill herself. Her visibly-shaken husband Colin declined to comment further than: "It's a terrible blow, but I can confirm that our holiday flat in Torremolinos is now worth €13,000 more than it was when we bought it. That's a 32 per cent rise in just two years and the rental income more than covers the mortgage. I'm just glad we got in before prices really went throught the roof. Of course, we were lucky with the exchanges rates..."

Al Pacino, Kate Winslet and Johnny Depp are among the actors who have defiantly attended the Venice film festival despite the real danger of being mildly inconvenienced by anti-capitalist protestors. Thousands of dogs and string and their owners have assembled close to the festival and are threatening to "kick up a right old fuss" if nothing is done to address the fact that — despite the huge wedges of cash spent on them — 90 per cent of Hollywood films are "pure crap", as one dreadlocked and malodorous individual shouted to us from an improvised tree-house. "We want proper screenplays with real intellectual depth and rigour," he added. "And more productions featuring yurts. I like yurts."