Experts cast doubt on Rooney Man U signing

Everton Football Club has issued a strongly-worded denial of accusations that the Wayne Rooney they sold to Manchester United was not the real player but a clone created by controversial US fertility doctor Zavos Panos.

Concerns were raised shortly after the player had completed the signing formalities and joined in a training session with his new team mates. "Every time he got the ball he picked it up," said a visibly-bewildered Gary Neville. "It was like my three-year-old in the garden." Coaching staff were also perplexed by Rooney's apparent inability to kick even a stationary ball.

In a statement Manchester United supremo Sir Alex Ferguson said that he realised that the club’s £25 million was "buying potential rather than the finished product, but for fuc*k's sake..."

Dr Panos was a guest of Everton chairman and West End theatre magnate Bill Kenwright earlier this year when, in an exchange of unusual gifts, Dr Panos received an Everton shirt and a hank of Rooney's hair.

Suspicions were deepened by the revelation that new Everton signing, heavily bearded teenager Wayne Spooney, had applied to UEFA for special dispensation to play in a baseball cap and Oakleys.

Rooney is expected to come on as a substitute against Bolton to a chorus of "There's only one Wayne Rooney (as far as we can tell at the present moment in time)".

Previously

• The human cost of Rooney's prostitute shame
• Tearful Rooney fiancée relives birthday nightmare
• Your cut-out-and-keep Wayne Rooney Factfile