Exclusive: Clive Woodward's English football masterplan

The Rockall Times can today exclusively reveal ex-Rugby coaching egghead Clive Woodward's plans for the England football team. Left under a copy of the Daily Express in the back of Woodward's Jag*, the breathtaking blueprint outlines the sweeping changes the la-di-dah Gunner Graham lookalike deems necessary for success in the national game.

(*) Look, he'd left the door open. Leave it.

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Winning the Woodward Way — a seven-point plan for footie success.

1. Kit: The current England strip isn't nearly aerodynamic enough. I suggest using the RU version, bought from Dicky Beau's Tight Cycling Outfitters, Old Compton Street. Think how much more aerodynamic Beckham's legs will be in those skin-tight lycra... will you excuse me for a minute?
2. More coaches: Not only attacking, defensive and conditioning coaches to be added to Team England™, but determination, spitting, posture, buttock-clenching and knacker-grabbing experts to be brought into the setup. Nothing gets left to chance under me, heck no.
3. Wives: How can top athletes perform at their best if they get their rocks off by roasting a steady stream of pig-ignorant slatterns? Ideal partners should be jolly, wear Alice bands and have names like Jemima. I'd also recommend ditching the Beemer for a SAAB estate with a labrador called Toby in the back.
4. Getting FIFA to change the rules: Worth a go. Stopping too many rich countries playing the game, adding conversions to goals, that kind of thing. Have a word with that Blatter chap.
5. Terminology: Getting the right mindset is vital, and this includes a proper common language. A few translations:
• Lads — Chaps or Guys
• Gave 110 per cent — Worked their bloody socks off
• Not the prettiest of games — The chaps worked the hard yards
• A game of two halves — A big ask in the second period
• Obviously, I've been delighted — I've got all the guys to thank for that one
• Nicknames: Should end in "ers" not "o". Think "Stevie Gerrers", "Cambers", "Ledders" etc. "Becks" can still be "Becks".
6. Cycling outfits: Did I mention the cycling outfits?
7. The game itself: A mere formality. Slow game down to nothing and win on penalties: an unfamiliar concept, I know. Changing the formation from 4-4-2 to 1-10 will help: any opponent trying to breach the defensive wall gets stamped in the bits. I can hear the Negro spirituals echoing around "Football HQ" already. What could possibly go wrong?

Previously

• Rotherham promotion threatens very foundations of Rugby Union
• BBC fanfares Rugby World Cup theme
• Playing the Field — an Introduction