Democrat dirty tricks slur rocks US election

The otherwise absurdly freakish circus that is the American election trail has been thrown into a tumult of back-biting and uproar following the latest accusations by the Republican campaign. In claims sure to send shockwaves throughout the known universe, leading Republicans are claiming that burger-scoffing former president Bill Clinton has timed his heart problems to cause maximum damage to their current opinion poll leads.

Following a successfully jingoistic Republican convention last week, it became clear that the wheels were starting to come off the Democrat bid to seize the White House. Sources close to the Democrats have suggested that in a desperate measure to curry sympathy for their cause and deflect attention from a highly-charged and intellectually-stimulating debate on policy, Bill Clinton’s current heart problems are more than just merry coincidence.

Surprisingly, leading Democrats have not moved to contradict these claims. In fact, they acknowledge them as the truth. An official spokesman: “Look, we’ve got to use every means at our disposal to gain an advantage here. It’s not as if we’ve stooped as low as the Republicans have — look what they got Ronald Reagan to do, for chrissakes."

However, indications are that cherubic intern-plugger Clinton is also pursuing a solo agenda. It’s well known that his recent auto-erotic-biography has been suffering from poor sales, and this latest move could provide just the fillip his book needs. Clinton exclusively spoke to The Rockall Times shortly after recovering from his op: “Any suggestion that I am trying to publicise my book (available at all quality book stores) is a lie. It’s outrageous to suppose that my book is heavily detailed with Lewinsky anecdotes, or spiced-up with accounts of moistened encounters in the Oval Office.” He was then ushered away to convalesce, and is making a swift recovery in the company of the just-legal celebrity Olsen twins. Doctors say that saxophone practice is strictly forbidden, although the twins are believed to be helping with the pink oboe.

Never before has such a deficit in the polls been turned into election success this close to the November polling day. Democrat grass-roots support suggest that it is not too late for a reversal in Kerry’s fortunes, a view with which he agrees: “It’s never too late to turn things around. I’ve faced difficult challenges in my life. When I master-minded the D-Day landings in Normandy, or defeated the British at Yorktown people said it couldn’t be done. I ask the public to judge me on my war record.”

But pundits are asking where this confidence of Kerry’s comes from. Is it the cross-eyed vacant stare of George Dubya? Or his rudderless command of the English language? John Kerry again: “No, he’s just a fuc*kin’ idiot."

Previously

• American libido hits all-time low
• Lesbians give Bush a good licking
• Dubya failed to protect nation, 1654 report reveals