Millions at risk as iPod cancer panic sweeps planet

iPod users are at risk of being afraid of cancer, according to a report commissioned by Microsoft. A survey of 1500 randomly-chosen iPod users were asked "If you were told that using an iPod increased your chances of developing cancer, would it worry you?" Almost 98 per cent of respondents said yes. Asked exactly the same question, 1500 people who did not own or use the chic digital music player answered no.

"The evidence is overwhelming and hugely persuasive," said Missy Oldacre of independent pollsters One Rotten Apple. "Millions of iPod users are more likely to be susceptible to cancer scares involving iPods than the population at large. And remember, cancer is a killer which causes a lingering and painful death. The only way to avoid the risk of worrying about iPod-related cancer stories is to use an alternative product, such as a player compatible with MSN Music."

The release of the report coincides with Microsoft's launch of an advertising campaign to promote their new music download service in direct competition to Apple's iTunes. One of the Steven Soderbergh-directed ads shows Johnny Depp in a physician's white coat downloading a song at a MSN terminal in an internet cafe while he waits for his e-burger with extra Intel inside. On leaving the restaurant he spots a man who is apparently suffering a heart attack. After Depp successfully resuscitates the man, he removes a pair of white earphones from the patient's ears and nods sadly.

Other ads include a vigorously dancing man with white earphones suffering an open fracture of the femur and a man with white earphones being mocked by a whore because his penis is small.

Executives at California-based Apple's headquarters were quickly on to the counterattack. Spokesman Ramon Vallejo, Associate Vice President Communications said: "What Microsoft doesn't want to talk about is that of all the children run down and killed by drunk drivers worldwide, 92 per cent are users of Microsoft's Windows operating system. That's a lot of dead children."

A straw poll conducted by The Rockall Times suggests that any health risk is a secondary concern to most users of digital music. The response from Tim, a 23-year-old bag designer, was typical: "This cancer download — is it free or do you have to pay 79p?"

Previously

• Microsoft jubilant after first ever patch-free period
• Microsoft launches HSM patent case
• Microsoft announces MS Linux™