Home Office to challenge basis of British law

Shake-up will purge crime-ravaged streets

by James Frotbox

In politics, the traditionally quiet summer season has always held little interest for the media beyond the usual lame Tory public relations exercises, football draws against part-time alpine horn playing Austrians and Chechen rebels "going for the burn" down at the gym. During this summer recess however, the Home Office has been working on proposals to fundamentally change the very basis of the English legal system, following recommendations by the select committee for political expediency. There has always been an assumption that the accused was innocent until proved guilty, but The Rockall Times can sensationally reveal that this is to be reversed in the new bill.

When the new bill comes into force after perfunctory gain-saying opposition from the Tory benches, all those who find themselves accused of a criminal offence will be presumed guilty. The burden of proof will then lie with their defence to prove otherwise. This bill is set to address public fears of spiralling violent crime and murder rates, which although statistically incredibly rare, appear to be endemic in every street where The Sun is delivered.

A spokesman for the Home Office was able to confirm that these tough new measures were being introduced to combat public unease at the current crime figures and would also significantly reduce the cost to the Crown of trials and the cost to the police of conducting lengthy investigations, which are often buggered up anyway.

Knee-jerk public opinion is sure to be cock-a-hoop that these changes could be introduced within months, but some be-whigged legal experts have uttered misgivings. Clive Anderson QC said: “This proposition is outrageous. The idea that we should change the legal basis set out in the 13th century Magna Carta is ridiculous. It won’t reduce our Legal Aid gravy train, will it?”

It seems that he is not alone. The president of the Road Haulage Association has also condemned the new bill. A truculent E Stobart told The Rockall Times: “These new measures will seriously hinder the activity of our members. The abduction and brutal murder of foreign hitchhiking students is integral to our business and is a key member benefit. Traditionally the police turn a blind eye to this unwritten ‘Rule of the Road’. This presumption of guilt will cause mayhem on the roads. The price of diesel, blah, blah, blah….”

Home Secretary David Blunkett was unavailable for comment today, his secretary confirming that he was enjoying a holiday during the summer recess — base jumping in Colorado.

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Home Office to challenge basis of British law

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