Newcastle United star in quest for fire

Following weeks of speculation, a senior anthropologist at Newcastle University today confirmed reports that footballer Kieron Dyer had indeed discovered fire. Dr Mikael Lvov said that Dyer had been rubbing two pencils together at Newcastle United's training ground when a glowing shard fell into a clump of dried grass which burst into flames. Lvov said that the development was not unexpected after Dyer had shed the thick coat of fur which had once covered his entire body and begun to craft crude but recognisable Mercedes Benz keys from pieces of flint. "Models of human development predict exactly such behaviour as this," said Dr Lvov. "We can say with some confidence that Kieron will shortly develop language, domesticate a dog and plant some seeds. By the time the World Cup comes round he should have made a little bronze brooch or something." Dyer, whose commitment, energy and ever-accommodating disposition have made him a St James's Park favourite, was unable — quite literally — to comment.

Scientists investigating last week's crash of the Genesis space probe which buried itself enthusiastically into Utah have published their preliminary findings, we can exclusively reveal. The report largely ignores rumours that the parachutes failed to deploy due to a "cheap Taiwanese rechargeable battery failure", but does confirm that "the craft was largely destroyed by hitting the ground at high speed after falling from a great height".

England Coach Sven Goran-Eriksson has publicly apologised for the bizarre mix-up which led to players being put into the England team unnecessarily. Despite there being no apparent injuries within the squad after the battling draw with Austria, Paul Robinson, Ledley King, and Jermain Defoe were all picked to start the next game. "It was an error," confirmed the charismatic Swede at a press conference when it was pointed out to him that this selection debacle meant that the side that played against Poland contained no less than three players from perennial under-achievers Tottenham Hotspur. The choice has made England the laughing stock of world football. "I cannot understand how this happened," said a visibly-shaken Eriksson.

"Tiger" Tim Henman is reported to be upbeat despite his straight sets crash-and-burn against Roger Federer in the US Open semi final. The battling Brit said: "I'm going to take a lot of confidence with me when I leave here." Tennis pundits confirm that Henman is at the top of his game and "unlikely to be beaten on post-match excuses when the British Davis Cup team takes an arse-kicking from Austria next week". Henman is reportedly working with his trainer on a surprise package of whines to explain his inevitable defeat, including: "I was upset about the Beslan massacre", "Hurricane Ivan unnerved the whole team", and "My racket was sabotaged by Austrian Neonazis".

The South Wales Gazette reports the story of Huw Talbot, the owner of a donkey sanctuary in Porthmadog, who found a cap which had been missing for a fortnight in a pile of dung. He naturally assumed that one of the donkeys had eaten it by mistake. He shared the story with volunteer Roy Miles, whom he knew had served a prison sentence for maternal incest. Miles confessed that he had taken the hat with the intention of keeping it, but had been overcome with remorse. He had tried to return it several times to the hook where it was usually kept, but was never left alone for long enough. Eventually he inserted it into the rectum of one of the donkeys in the hope that it would seem that the donkey had eaten it. But even though his plan worked, his guilty conscience had once again prevailed and he came clean. Talbot, more concerned that one of his donkeys had been abused than by the loss of his cap, called the police who charged Miles with theft and cruelty. Talbot remains hurt and disappointed by the experience. "I still can't believe that motherfuc*ker popped a cap in my ass!" he said.