Gordon Ramsey revelations stun UK

Households all over the country were filled with bemused spluttering this week as the truth regarding Gordon Ramsey's fame credentials was finally revealed to a stunned nation. Many people it appears — while acutely aware of Mr Ramsey’s presence thanks to his current carpet-bombing of all forms of media — were unaware he is in fact just a cook.

We spoke to our man in the street who, as ever, had his hand clasped firmly on the pulse of the nation. “It’s a bit of a shocker really,” he explained. “I’ve seen him on the telly shouting and people, all full of piss and wind, and thought he was someone really important. Now it turns out he just makes peoples' dinners. I mean that’s girl’s work — even my wife can do it. It’s really changed my opinion of him. I think now if I met him and he tried all that shouting stuff I would just tell him to fuc*k off and make me a plate of chips and be quick about it."

We also spoke to several other, genuine, celebrities who were quick to pour scorn on Mr Ramsey’s lack of talent. International megastar Alan Titchmarsh was particularly scathing. “What a jumped up tart he is,“ opined Alan, looking up from an enormous trench into which the housewives' favourite was shovelling vast quantities of farmyard manure. “How anyone thinks they can be a true celebrity by doing what is essentially an everyday manual task is beyond me."

Top TV carpenter “Handy Andy” was equally forthright: “That Ramsey geezer he’s just doing something millions of people do every day, yet acting like he’s some big star. Pass us that hacksaw — cheers."

Mr Ramsey’s agent, anxious to stop the haemorrhaging of his cash cow, has issued the following statement: “Whilst it is true that Gordon’s initial foothold into celebrity was gained through his experience as a chef, his subsequent fame has been achieved through lots of professional cussing, shouting, swearing and general blaspheming. This has given him a well-deserved fan base who are both thrilled and amused by his offensive behaviour and regard Gordon as a genuine superstar. Unlike that talentless bint Delia Smith."

Previously

• Brazilian slavery: The shocking truth
• Recipe of the week: Henman Surprise
• Whitehouse death heralds flood of TV filth