Europe urged to embrace GM foods

Wake up and smell the coffee — before it smells you

by Darles Charwin

A major conference on GM crops opened in Germany last week with calls for Europe to ”embrace GM food more enthusiastically”. In other words, North American GM food companies are champing at the bit for a slice of a new and juicy market share now the five-year EU moratorium on new GM foods has ended.

However, the elaborate opening ceremony (a lineup of skimpily-clad rutabaga/Marilyn Monroe hybrids dancing Busby Berkeley hits) was marred by altercations between a group of shouting scruffily-dressed dogs-on-string-wielding good-for-nothing Vegans wearing nametags with the word ”Monsanto” crossed out and ”Greenpeace” written on them in crayon, and a group of shouting bespectacled labcoat-and-glasses-wearing clipboard-wielding balding Heinz Wolff types wearing nametags with the word ”Greenpeace” crossed out and ”Monsanto” written on them in crayon. ”Progress! You can’t stop ze march of progress!”, bellowed the fraudulent boffins. ”Meat is murder!”, howled the ersatz anarchists confusedly. The ever-efficient German police waded in and wearily ejected both groups, temporarily restoring order but not sanity to the proceedings.

As the conference got under way, several speakers said GM plants were shown to be safe, predicting Europeans would begin to accept the technology. ”We must first overcome public mistrust in Europe about the technology and firms behind it”, said a representative from a biotech company. After presenting slides on the benefits of agricultural biotechnology, the two metre tall pig/jellyfish/tomato hybrid received a standing ovation as it squelched from the platform.

Canada is one country where agricultural biotechnology is widely used. Eric Cline, the Industry and Resources Minister for the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, said plants with modified genes can provide may other things besides food. ”You haven’t lived until you’ve had sex with a GM Patagonian mouthplant”, he said, sweating profusely. Unfortunately, the bulging-eyed Mr Cline’s presentation had to be cut short for ”medical reasons”.

As Mr Cline was stretchered, twitching, from the podium, the chairman of the session, Dr Albert Triffid, fielded questions from the audience.

”Is it true that there is no evidence has been found that GM food poses any danger to human health?”, asked a three-metre-tall soyabean. ”Absolutely true — but don’t you go falling on anyone!" quipped Triffid.

”Is it true that there is no evidence that growing GM crops causes environmental harm?” demanded a radioactively pustulent sphere of boll-weevil-resistant cotton. ”Well, some would say that’s hotly contested — but not as hot as you are, cottonballs!” guffawed Dr Triffid. The sphere of cotton’s response is unrecorded, but the audience giggled like teenagers.

Then to gasps of disbelief, one naysayer had the tenacity to suggest that the conference was only being held in Germany because the previous host country, North America, considered it too potentially damaging. ”Nonsense!” bawled Triffid. ”We come to Germany with our mission complete — the USA is totally conquered, er, saturated with product — literally — and we needed to move on to fresh fields and pastures new. The virgin fields of Europe await our seed, ehm, ... seed crops! Even now we’re developing cuddly walking turnips with big eyes! What could be cuter than that?”

An ever-increasing whirring noise could be heard in the auditorium, which many blamed on faulty air conditioning, but it was only the sound of John Wyndham rotating rapidly in his grave.

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Europe urged to embrace GM foods

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