Cabinet sex scandal rocks Westminster

Following the latest exposé from former cabinet minister and handsome moral crusader Robin Cook, the entire British political establishment has been left reeling at his allegations of sexual shenanigans within the cabinet. Sensationally, The Rockall Times can reveal that senior government has become dominated by a ruthless sexual predator — none other than Prime Minister Tony Blair, respected and brazen premier of Great Britain.

In revelations sure to send gasps of disbelief through the corridors of power, Cook has claimed that the PM is out-of-control on a voyage of predatory behaviour directed at other cabinet colleagues. Our source close to the inner circle has been able to shed light on these allegations: “It would appear that there is some truth to this story. Rumours have been circulating for some time now of ministers being asked to stay on after cabinet meetings, and of determined ‘grooming’ of victims by the Prime Minister,” he told our stunned reporter.

The almost imperceptible rift between PM Blair and iron-Chancellor Gordon Brown was always supposed to be concerning policy differences, but it has now come to light that Mr Brown was the first cabinet minister to reject Mr Blair’s advances, hence the cooling of their once cordial relationship. However, his was not the only voice of dissent within the cabinet after it emerged that John Prescott was also approached by the PM in the members lobby, “looking for a good time”. After being lured into the nearby toilets, flabby pugilist "Slugger" Prescott was able to fight off Mr Blair as a desperate struggle ensued for his favours, angrily shouting that he would not be “one of your bitches”.

It would seem that although Brown and Prescott successfully defended their honour, other members of the cabinet have not been so fortunate. Thrice-sacked EU commissioner and serial failure Peter Mandelson suffered for many years at the PM’s deft hands, in a series of attacks taking place in locations as diverse as Brussels and Hampstead Heath. Mandelson has never spoken of or confirmed such events, but is believed to remember them fondly. He has now taken up residency in Brussels, home to Europe’s largest transvestite population and a hotbed of “progressive” thinking.

The disquiet within government circles continues this week after Blair’s recent reshuffle. A visibly waxen and typically over-animated Gordon Brown was seen whispering to colleagues at the Exchequer: “That slag Milburn is back then. Rather him than me, I don’t mind telling you. He’ll end up with an ar*sehole like a clown’s pocket.”

The reasons for Mr Blair’s behaviour remain unclear, although a desire to dominate his cabinet and suggestions that his missus is anything less than a “real oil painting” have been rejected by those close to him.

Sadly, even the vulnerable amongst Blair’s front line team are not immune to his voracious appetite. Sickeningly, sources also reveal that Home Secretary David Blunkett has been targeted. He was trapped unawares by Blair after a routine cabinet meeting, and it’s believed his Labrador was distracted with a succession of Werthers Originals offered by Jack Straw.

Mr Blunkett, apparently, "didn’t see it coming".

Previously

• Those Cabinet changes in empty
• Clare Short in shock cabinet threat
• Revealed: The sordid past of Blair conman