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Praise be to Mourinho as Chelsea top league

Jose Mourinho proclaimed himself "A golden God of Managerial nous" as Chelsea topped the Premiership's Whining Manager competition for the first time this season. Bringing a tough, uncompromising style to post-match griping, Mourinho's revolutionary "everybody but me is wrong" tactic has shaken up the footballing establishment.

"It'll take a lot to bounce back from this," admitted second-placed Arsene Wenger yesterday. "He's certainly raised the bar. My once-innovative 'I could not see from zer dugout' routine appears rather dated now." The secretive Whines Panel made the unprecedented step yesterday of delivering their first ever month of full marks for a manager. "We couldn't fault Mr Mourinho for indignation, selective blindness to facts or loudness, and his arrogance was particularly outstanding," said a spokesman yesterday. "Has he ushered in a new era of boot-room mithering? The panel certainly hope so."

Meanwhile, the upper reaches of the whining league are some way off for past master Alex Ferguson. Having only blamed three out of seven referees for results and even delivering a couple of back-handed compliments to opponents have seen his scores from the Whines Panel plummet. "Changes must be made. I can see where I've made mistakes in the hairdryer department," admitted Ferguson, hoisting himself with his own, particularly conciliatory, petard. "I need to start lashing out before I'm in a relegation dogfight with Kevin 'the lads did their best' Keegan."

Meanwhile, Mourinho goes from strength to strength. Upon learning of his league-topping success, the Portuguese upstart was in no mood for celebration. "Pathetic!" he roared while roaming the marble halls of his palace complex in search of a linesman to berate. "My scores for the season so far are still way too low. Your panel are corrupt, blind fools and I should be made King of the World for such slander."

Previously

• Mourinho issues relocation decree
• Crowds flock to the miracle chair of Porto
• Chelsea's Mourinho lays down the law

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