Musical theatre 'gives you cancer'

It may be a popular attraction for visitors to London’s fashionable Soho district, but the government yesterday added musical theatre to its list of known carcinogens. "We’ve suspected a link for a long time," said David Antrobus from the Department for Health, "but now we’ve conclusively proven that watching Cats can be as dangerous as smoking 40 cigarettes or spending three minutes in Cornwall." The government has responded quickly to the finding. Already the Chancellor has announced a 300 per cent "sin tax" on tickets, which will come into effect at the November budget. Plans are being formulated to appoint a "Lyrics Czar", who will vet every musical to ensure that all songs and dialogue are fully justified in the context of the plot. It is widely expected that many plays, including Jesus Christ Superstar and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, will be reduced to less than 30 seconds in length. Asked whether people who continue to see Miss Saigon and its ilk might be denied treatment under the NHS, Mr Antrobus confirmed: "It's something we're considering very seriously. Now that people know the dangers of musicals, we don't see why the taxpayer should pick up the bill for people who act so irresponsibly."

Hard-pressed customer care lines in Bangalore, India, are increasingly being forced to outsource their services to the UK. Mandeep Lal, Chief Executive of Pardon?, one of India's largest customer care support providers, said that they operated services for some of the UK's largest companies, but that they were experiencing some problems of comprehensibility. "We examined the log files," he said "and found that calls from Newcastle, Glasgow and Belfast were posing a particular problem in that nobody could understand a word the callers said." After researching the elocution training needs of the populations of the north-east of England, southern Scotland and Northern Ireland, Mr Lal decided it would be cheaper to redirect the incomprehensible callers to a UK company. He chose Cornwall-based WHAT?!!!, run by former stand-up comedian Rick Astley. "We were a good fit for Mr Lal's requirements." said Astley. "You see, down in the call centre, right, there's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman, yeah?" More Indian call centres are expected to outsource their incomprehensible calls to the UK as sales of computers continue to rise in Wales.

St William's Primary School in Berwick-upon-Tweed is suffering a shortage of little blocks used by small children to learn addition and subtraction. Teacher Catherine McCormack said that several colleagues are introducing the concept of hundreds at the same time, thereby putting a strain on the school's mathematics equipment. "We just don't have enough to go round and some of the children don't get any blocks at all." she said. Asked how the shortage was affecting him, seven-year-old Alistair McGovern replied, "I have nothing to add."

American visitors to picturesque Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk last week were treated to an unusual sight at the Leisure Centre - a massive plume of black smoke. Spencene McGhee, a plastics packaging operative from Toledo, Ohio, was thrilled. "We've seen the Changing of the Guard and Shakespeare's Bungalow, but I never thought I'd get to see this. Apparently the Leisure Centre only catches fire very rarely, and we just happened to be here to see it. I can't wait to tell my friends." The Council's Director of Leisure Services, Ed Case, said that the blaze was of the popular roof variety, which made for great viewing from all over the town, lots and lots of smoke and even some big tongues of flame. "Burning a Leisure Centre is costly, so I think we've been lucky. If it had broken out in the basement it would have cost the same, but been a lot less fun." The event proved so popular that a proposal has been put forward to burn the Leisure Centre down at the beginning of autumn every year.

Trading Standards Officers have today issued a warning about unscrupulous Genies who offer to grant peoples' wishes but then fail to deliver. "In many cases," said a spokesman, "the wishes they provide are distinctly inferior to those advertised." Andrew Framton of Melton Mowbray tells a typical story: "I found an old lamp and when I rubbed it this Genie appeared offering me a wish. I wished for everything I touched to turn to gold, but instead everything turns into plums. It's an outrage!" Hilarious as Mr Frampton's plight is, some of the genies' actions are more disturbing. Simone Nebulus, 36, was stranded on a Pacific island between 1994 and 1999 after her yacht sank in rough seas around Micronesia. "One day I came upon an old bottle buried in the sand and took the cork out. Sure enough, a Genie appeared with a magic carpet and I thought: 'At last — rescue!' But when I wished to be taken home he just turned my favourite coconut into a toaster. He knew I didn't have any electricity," Simone added bitterly.

CORRECTION

In a recent article about Birmingham City footballer Robbie Savage the words "freezing semen directly from the pointed, scaly knob of the Prince of Darkness himself" should have read "digestive biscuit". We apologise for any confusion or embarrassment our error may have caused.