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'We will never negotiate with terrorists' — Blair

UK top dog Tony Blair has vowed never to negotiate with terrorists, despite growing concern for potential decapitee Ken Bigley.

Bigley, 62, was captured in Iraq by the Tawhid and Jihad group led by fun-loving Abu Musab al-Zarqawi — believed to be one of only three men in the world with a "q", a "w" and a "z" in his surname simultaneously. The hostage faces execution if the group's demand that Iraq's jails be emptied of women prisoners is not met. The US has declined, stating that no females will be released until reservist warders have completed the onerous task of "urinating on each and every one before photographing 'em naked with a Stars'n'Stripes poking from their ass" as one sergeant from a trailer park in Idaho put it.

Despite the very real possibility that Bigley will shortly be starring in his very own Sunni video nasty, Blair was admant that he would "never, ever, ever, under any circumstances negotiate on any level whatsover with men of violence and hate".

The Brit PM's sentiments were immediately endorsed by International Man of Peace™ Gerry Adams, with whom the prime minister was taking a few pints in the Grand Hotel in Brighton after a particularly arduous day setting the world to rights at Labour's annual rhetoric jamboree. "I fully support Mr Blair's wobble-free intransigence in this matter. These people cannot be reasoned with."

"Well said, Gezza," agreed Martin McGuiness, struggling back from the bar with a tray groaning with lager and pork scratchings. "Kidnapping, executions, bombing campaigns — it fair makes my blood boil just thinking about it."

At that point, the genteel calm of the Grand Hotel was broken by a kerfuffle involving John "Slugger" Prescott who, having taken thirteen pints of Thrupplethorpe's Olde Wife Beater, was piling into a pro-hunting protestor with his fists while shouting "I'll have yer and yer braying mob of toff mates, yer Home Counties fuc*ker." Police attended the scene with dogs and nets, but Prescott had already fled after his press office alerted the battling Northerner of a nearby photo opportunity involving a man and a canoe.

Meanwhile, two members of the Muslim Council of Britain were en route to Baghdad in clear defiance of Blair's "no messing, no talking, no petting but plenty of bombing" Iraq policy. Dr Daud Abdullah and Dr Musharraf Hussain hope to negotiate the release of Ken Bigley and are backed in their efforts by talented singing Muslim Yusuf Islam — the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens. "You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do. And it's breakin' my heart in two," crooned Islam as he fought with US immigration officials intent on expelling his musical butt from the US of A. "Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world..." he further lamented while CIA and FBI operatives conducted a full body probe in search of Islam's written orders from Osama bin Laden to crash an airliner into Graceland on the anniversary of Elvis' death.

Back in Brighton, Blair, Adams and McGuiness chewed the fat amiably until the wee hours. A barman later told The Rockall Times that the trio discussed "the usual stuff like football and birds with big tits, then they cracked a few jokes about getting the Northern Ireland Peace Process back on track." Blair is reported to have told Adams: "Yeah, terrific, let's do lunch," before whipping out his electronic personal organiser to find a window for the Sinn Fein supremo.

The revelry finally ended at around 3am when Prescott returned with two black eyes, stripped to the waist, and began to demand "vodka, and plenty of it" from the hapless staff. The ensuing destruction killed five and permanently crippled one cabinet minister's wife. Emergency services are still pulling survivors from the rubble.

Previously

• IRA apologises for deaths of hundreds
• IRA responsible for deaths, shocked Congress told
• IRA to blame for Special Branch illegal ops

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