Britain declares war on obesity

The news that sweet manufacturers are to withdraw king-sized chocolate bars in an attempt to combat the rising tide of blubber englufing the UK has met with widespread approval in health circles. Doctors are claiming a "real victory" in the war to reduce Britain to a more manageable weight since porkers will not realise that their chocolate bar has got smaller and are unlikely to buy two small bars instead.

Indeed, so successful is this radical strategy likely to prove, that experts believe the principle could be extended to alcohol and tobacco. "I'm lobbying for the quarter-pint beer glass," enthused one slim and sober expert. "If you can only get one quarter of the volume of alcoholic beverage in the glass, then people drink seventy-five per cent less. Simple as that."

His asertion is not without merit. Legendarily, the wartime authorities in 1916 banned the "Dreadnought" 16-pint flagon because munitions workers were too rat-arsed to produce Hun-busting shells. Our subsequent victory in that conflict proved beyond all doubt that limiting ale to one-pint measures slashed alcohol consumption at a stroke.

Likewise, the 1934 proscription of the 22-inch cigarette cut lung cancer deaths by around 14 inches. The government has pledged to cut the average gasper further to a stroke-battling 2.5cm by 2013 - part of a raft of radical legislation which will see the number of crisps in the packet cut by 90 per cent and the removal altogether of Dairy Lea Luncheables from the packaging. Consumers will, however, still be allowed to buy the empty vacuum-moulded container "just to shut up their whining pikey kids" as one spokesman put it.

In support of the slimmed-down fat bar, The Rockall Times yesterday pledged to cut its site's sodium content by 17 per cent by April 2005, and to offer a low-fat salad alternative shortly thereafter.

Previously

• Adolf Hitler didn't smoke
• Obesity now no.1 UK killer
• New fat theory wobbles world of obesity