Mugabe apologises for handshake outrage

Zimbabwean president Roberts Mugabe has apologised for greeting an international pariah at a public event with a friendly handshake.

The shameful meeting — captured on camera — showed the distinguished and long-time ruler of the African state reaching out to shake the hand of disgraced British foreign secretary Jack Straw. There was outrage over the welcome for Straw who has become notorious for his involvement with the invasion of Iraq and subsequent oppression of the fun-loving Iraqi people. Indeed, Straw is a figure of hate for millions world-wide, widely condemned for his human rights record and for trampling the principles of democracy under his "New Labour" jackboot.

The president was later contrite about the embarrassing mistake. "I had no idea who it was," wailed a visibly-embarrassed Mugabe. "It was dark, I was tired, my eyesight's not so good — you know how it is. These Europeans all look the same anyway."

Despite the snivelling apology, opposition MPs moved quickly to condemn Mugabe's gaffe: "Mugabe's excuse for his shameful handshake is unbelievable. Whether this was by clumsy accident or ill-judged design, he has sent a powerful message of support to Straw, which will have shocked all those who seek the restoration of democracy and the rule of law to Iraq," thundered shadow foreign secretary Michael Ancram.

The British press was equally enraged. "THE DAY DEMOCRACY DIED!' screamed the Daily Mail above a photomontage of Straw shaking hands with his other international chums: a whore-smuggling Albanian pimp, a convicted paedophile, a Bosnian Serb war criminal and Peter Mandelson.

The incident occurred at the United Nations as Straw and Mugabe jostled to get to the free mid-session buffet before the Chinese delegates had scoffed all the spicy pork pies. As soon as an adviser pointed out Straw's true identity, Mugabe moved away and issued an immediate press statement to the reporters in attendance about the reasons for the error. The president then went on to make a groundbreaking address to cadres about the need for whipping those convicted of double parking with barbed wire.

Back in his London bedsit, an unrepentant Straw said he would do the same thing again if it was the only way he could get the intimate human contact and international approval he so clearly craves.

Previously

• Mugabe and white farmers slug it out in War on Reason™
• Hawkish Straw rejects Baghdad deal
• Jack Straw in dock over babies-to-paedos scandal