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Letwin promises 'no tax promises'

Shadow chancellor Oliver Letwin has stormed the Tories' conference with a no-nonsense promise not to make promises about tax cuts. He has, however, promised to tackle the iniquitous inheritance tax head-on — a move welcomed by the party's seventy-three remaining voters, all of whom suffered terribly as a result of the LLoyds "names" scandal and now face a life of penury as a result. Letwin also pledged to overhaul the scandalous council tax system. When asked for his preferred alternative, he said: "What about a poll tax? It's a sure-fire winner with the voters."

Tory defence supremo Nicholas Soames has revealved that he is a big Dido fan — part of the Conservatives' attempt to project a "fun" image. Oliver Letwin expressed a penchant for Cradle of Filth, while Vlad the Impaler admitted himself strangely drawn to Norwegian Death Metal. He denied, however, any involvement in the burning of churches, a claim met with some scepticism by political commentator Dr Van Helsing.

Peter Mandelson will be grilled today by three MEPs who will try to ascertain whether or not he is fit to become EU trade commissioner. He is expected to sign a declaration that he will not take out any loans to buy property in the UK, and will furthermore "stay out of Britain until we say you can come back". The prospect of the highly-talented politician's extended absence from British soil is expected to swing the day in Mandelson's favour, despite widespread reservations about his ability to keep his hands out of the till.

Iraqis have hailed ten-hour period between 8pm Sunday and 6am Monday during which no car bombs of any description detonated anywhere in the country. "Allah be praised!" celebrated one Baghdad shopkeeper, shortly before he was shot dead by US forces who had mistaken him for a Sunni insurgent.

Mind Body and Soul, the new album by teenage soul singer Joss Stone, has been withdrawn by record label bosses because three tracks were missing. Mikey Terrell of Relentless Records apologised to the music-loving public worldwide and assured them that the album will be relaunched in November in the correct format — with all fourteen tracks missing.

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