Can Wayne Rooney's career be saved?

Football pundits world-wide are expressing concern that one-time Manchester United golden-syrup-boy Wayne Rooney will never recapture the form that catapulted him from the slums of Liverpool to the slums of Manchester. Watchers are speculating that it can only be a matter of time until Sir Alex Ferguson directs a well-aimed boot in the direction of Rooney's cherubic face in an attempt to hasten his departure.

Rooney's United career started well enough, with two goals in the first 45 minutes of the game against Fenerbahce. But the rest of the match saw him net only one more — a worrying drop of 50 per cent. If this continues, statisticians have calculated that by 2012 he'll only be managing three goals a season and will therefore be netting a mere four hundred times more than Diego Forlan.

Things are unlikely to get better while Rooney's personal life remains messy, although his latest squeeze — Mrs Edith Barrowfield, 74 — insisted that everything was fine between the couple despite an age gap of more than sixty years and a weight differential of 14 stone.

Final evidence of Rooney's slide towards sporting oblivion came with news that Real Madrid are preparing a €75m bid for the Weeble to fill their problem defensive-midfielder slot.

Previously

• Experts cast doubt on Rooney Man U signing
• The human cost of Rooney's prostitute shame
• Rooney romance speculation reaches critical mass