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Northants police tackle new speeding menace

The head of Northants Police State, Peter Maddison, has vowed to tackle a new wave of unprecedented speeding within its borders. The move comes after winds of over 70mph were reported all over Northampton — with some menacing primary schools and old people trying to collect their pensions. Thought to be the tail-end of the recent American hurricane season, the winds tore through the county in a reckless orgy of lawbreaking, ignoring all posted speed limits and visibly ruffling pedestrians.

As always, Chief Maddison was keen to display the level of keen crime-fighting zeal for which his police force is renowned. He told the assembled press that: "Such total disregard for the law will not be tolerated," and announced an immediate blanket speed limit of 30mph for the wind whilst it is travelling through Northants. When asked how speed limits can be enforced on what is purely a meteorological phenomenon Chief Maddison was quick to display the force's latest addition to its anti-speeding arsenal.

Called the "Wind Stopper", it consists of two horizontal wooden poles, held several feet apart, with a stripy canvas sheet suspended between them. Mr Maddison explained that special teams of constables would deploy the "Wind Stopper" in an elaborate sting operation to capture rogue gusts as they travelled the county’s highways and byways. He stated quite categorically to the press that it was most unlikely that any wind would escape from either him or his men.

This refusal to let wind pass is the latest in a series of hard-line approaches from Northants Police. They have also launched successful prosecutions against people making fast food and in 2002 were the first force to pull over a high-speed train as in passed through their borders. In 2001, the force survived an enquiry resulting from a beating officers had administered to a student attempting to use the "fast-forward" button on his Walkman in a shopping precinct "without proper regard for public safety".

Previously

• Northants police celebrate eradication of all serious crime
• Velocity-crazed bikers 'breaking laws of quantum physics'
• North Wales police deploy ultimate anti-speeding weapon

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