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When Abi met Robbie — but not Jodie

The widely-anticipated mating between Abi Titmuss, Robbie Williams and Jodie Marsh will not take place as scheduled, we can exclusively reveal.

The cancellation of the girl-on-girl-on-boy shagfest came after Marsh pulled out prematurely, branding Titmuss a "whore" and declaring that while she'd be happy to accept Williams' hideously-empurpled member into her capacious box while licking out another filly — said third party would not be the talented former nurse.

The news has disappointed tabloid editors who had been in months of negotiations over exclusive picture rights for the "beast with three backs". Another impediment is said to have been Williams' hectic schedule which has in the last six months seen the athletic star jetsetting between five-star hotels and declaring "I'm bored" in every one of them.

Titmuss, meanwhile, told The Rockall Times that "if Robbie doesn't come and shag me senseless soon I'll have to move to a flat with a bigger bath because the one I've got now can't contain my anticipatory love juices." Our reporter was invited to confirm that said bath was indeed awash with gusset-drenching outpourings, but declined Titmuss' offer of a photo exclusive for £10,000.

There is, however, some hope that the matter can soon be resolved. Model Sophie Anderton has reported that she is fighting her addiction to cocaine through a "three orgasms a day" self-help therapy. As soon as the news reached Williams, his entourage put out feelers to the lovely Anderton in the hope that she might have what it takes to keep up with his and Titmuss' voracious sexual appetite. "Being a rock star, Robbie is naturally a very athletic and talented sexual performer," confirmed the man charged with removing all the blue Smarties from Williams' personal supply. "Since he can engage in intercourse for weeks at a time, he's always on the look-out for game girls."

We rang Williams at a hotel in Los Angeles where he is currently preparing to be bored on a three-week promotional tour of the US. "I'm fuc*king bored," he admitted. "Fancy a shag?"

Previously

• Ask Abi: Our Rockall guest columnist
• Robbie Williams' descent into gambling addiction hell
• Celebrities: Have you raped Ulrika Jonsson?

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