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  Monday 11th October 2004  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Revealed: Richard Branson's chilling space ambitions

Esther Rantzen boards the VSS Enterprise
by James Frotbox

When it was announced last week that the world’s most famous virgin and delicious strawberry blonde Sir Richard Branson was to offer space flights to the general public, all appeared innocuous enough. Upon presentation of the nominal fee of £115,000, space travel will finally be a commonplace reality for everyone. But all is not what it seems. After receiving leaked documents from a Virgin insider, The Rockall Times can exclusively reveal that a dastardly plot is afoot.

Esther Rantzen: Space-bound Not content with lording it over the rest of us mere peasants, astronautic knight of the realm Sir Dickie is in the advanced stages of an elaborate plan to destroy humanity. The seed for this evil doing was believed to be hatched many years ago after a young Branson went to see the latest Bond movie Moonraker, and was deeply affected by the highly realistic theme and consummate acting talents of the bi-syllabic cadaver Roger Moore.

In the movie, a deranged billionaire hatches a plot to exterminate all of humankind and repopulate the earth in his own image. This is almost accomplished after those to be spared are transported to a space station orbiting the planet. Chillingly, the obscenely successful Branson is to emulate the antics of the film’s fictional protagonist Hugo Drax. He has already spoken of plans for a future space station, with his spaceship the VSS Enterprise providing the cosmic transport.

Those people already conforming to his strict guidelines on physical appearance may well be selected for cloning, and this is dependant on their sporting the well known “Sheriff of Nottingham” style comedy beard that has made Sir Richard an object of male envy everywhere.

This would automatically include the likes of the loathsome and dysentery-inducing Noel Edmonds, child-handed five-knuckle shuffler Jeremy Beadle and gender-suspect pole flinger Fatima Whitbread. Despite his lack of facial decoration, Cuprinol stained gypsy-throwback antiques guru David Dickinson is also on the VSS Enterprise. Reasons for this were at first confusing, but it’s clear that he would be too great a loss to the human race if he were excluded.

Readers will recall that Drax was ably assisted in his insane machinations by Jaws, a lumbering henchman with deadly fangs, who bungled several amateurish attempts on Commander Bond’s life. Not one to forget even the most trivial detail, Branson will ensure that he has his very own “Jaws”, and is believed to have drawn up a wish list of those he believes could fill this vital role.

Initially top of the list was gobby spittle-spouter Janet Street-Porter, but she is out of favour after even the irritatingly patient Branson dubbed her a “mouthy twat”. More likely is that he will choose geriatric do-gooder Esther Rantzen, long suspected by the vast majority of the British public to be the incarnation of evil, residing in the seventh circle of hell.

Sir Richard has often been inspired to bring truth where before there was fiction. Aside from the planned space flights, he was inspired to start his own train company after hours locked in his office playing Microsoft Train Simulator. He quickly progressed on to the real thing after extensive practical testing conducted on his very own Hornby deluxe train set. He has even put his company’s name to a brand of cola drink, utilising the services of talented celebrity slapper Pamela Anderson to advertise the brand.

Previously

 Go on then, hard man