C5 rapped in porcine sex outrage (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

A spokesperson for the RSPCA has openly condemned Channel 5's groundbreaking reality show The Farm for showing the ritual humiliation of a large pig by celebrity bikini-filler and erstwhile Beckham textmate Rebecca Loos. Shown manually assisting the boar to an earth-shuddering climax for no good reason whatsoever, the event has had severe emotional repercussions for the sensitive porker.

Pig X: Traumatised Speaking over the phone from a secret sty, Pig X — as he asked to be named — decided to put the record straight. "At no time was I complicit in all of this," he sobbed. "The makers of this show have used me as nothing more than a sexual plaything and I have been betrayed by the farmer, the farmer's wife and the lad who does the mucking out. Now the viewing public have seen me in this compromising situation, they will associate me with that woman forever. I don't think I will be able to show my face in public again."

Pig X stressed that his visible engorgement — not to mention the pint and a half of rich semen he produced — were nothing more than a reflex action. "I certainly had no say in my reaction to her vigorous tugging — it was Mr Percy doing all the thinking, you might say. I should add that it took about fifteen minutes to bring me off, which tells you all you need to know about my emotional involvement. Why couldn't it have been Debbie McGee? I would have gone off in half the time and could look people in the eye afterwards".

"Or that posh bird," he added.

Pig X is now trying to rebuild his shattered life with the help of RSPCA counsellors. "I'm just taking one day at a time. I was considering going to an abattoir and handing myself in, but the RSPCA have helped me turn the corner. It's important to realise there's always someone worse off than I am. I could be Stan Collymore for fuc*k's sake."

C5 rapped in porcine sex outrage

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