Billy Connolly walks on Ken Bigley murder rap

Glasgow comic Billy Connolly has been released by police investigating the murder of Iraq hostage Ken Bigley, we can exclusively reveal. Connolly will not face charges relating to the slaughter despite widespread calls for his head following some ill-chosen remarks at a London gig. Connolly apparently told the packed auditorium: "Don't you just wish they would just get on with it?" Chillingly, less than a week later Bigley was dead, leading UK tabloids to deduce that the Big Yin had himself ordered the execution.

The charge is not without merit. Murderous raghead psycho nutter Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is among Connolly's biggest fans and recently declared: "In the new Muslim world order there will be a place for the infidel Jock funny man." Likewise, Osama bin Laden is reported to carry a copy of An Audience with Billy Connolly with him at all times. "He just loves the incontinence pants bit," confirmed a spokesman for Al Jazeera TV. "Pisses himself every time."

Furthermore, Connolly is Scottish — the same nationality as Saddam-worshipping traitor George Galloway. Co-incidence? We think not.

For his part, Connolly is giving the media the same short shrift with which he dealt with dissent at the London event. When one heckler shouted: "You're talking about a man's life Billy," the comedian hilariously told him to "fuc*k off". He later told the Sun to "fuc*k off" before dismissing the Daily Mail with a side-splitting "fuc*k off". We spoke to the Big Yin at his ancestral pile in Los Angeles and asked him whether or not the charges would adversely affect his chances claiming the BBC's forthcoming The funniest swearing Scotsman in the World — Ever! title. Chuckling endearingly, he simply told us to "fuc*k off".

Meanwhile, the Foreign Office has issued guidelines aimed at ensuring the safety of British contractors intending to travel to Iraq. Entitled Stay at home you idiot, Iraq is a bloody nut house the sixteen-page leaflet gives pointers as to the best way to ensure that you live to a ripe old age. These include:

• How to say "no" to an offer of work in Iraq.
• How to find alternative sources of income outside the Iraqi border.
• How not to buy a plane ticket to Baghdad.
• How to enjoy international travel while avoiding Iraq.

Previously

• 'We will never negotiate with terrorists' — Blair
• George Galloway enjoyed three-in-a-bed orgies with devil worshipping pimp from the Special Republican Guard
• Camelot heralds revolutionary lottery rebrand