God drops fatties on Darwin

Evolutionists completely waisted

by Éclair Rainer

The scientific community has been put to flight by the creationists this week after the release of Doctor Billy Connolly’s research into social change in Florida. The Big Yin led a multi-talented team in the production of their amazing synthesis showing once and for all that God makes new life-forms in advance of the need for change.

The team, comprising the famous palaeontologist Michael Parkinson, anthropologist Desmond Dekker, Father Ted, Archbishop Ben Tutu, and bonviveur Floyd Grossman, were led by Doctor Carnally (as it now pronounced) in search of the answer to the question “Why are so many people in Florida so grotesquely fat?”

Sponsored by the Florida Academy of Tautologies and the Miami Association of Massive but Articulate Robust Intelligent Energetic Sportsmen, they established a project comparing the rate of change of waistline in the state with many ecological factors such as the number of fast-food outlets, capacity of the sewerage system, the price of Viagra, the price of cheap Cuban illegal workers and the placing of hunger-inducing chemicals in the public water supply by fast-food outlets.

They laboured gainlessly for three years, during which the project consumed 25,000 Big Macs, drank 50,000 quarts of Budweiser and watched 20,000 hours of daytime television. The team were then hoisted from their orthopaedic commodes, whereupon they declared to a man that the ecological factors were a load of rubbish and that the fact that people in Florida started getting fat before the sudden increase in hurricanes proved that God had intervened to stop them from blowing away and for the more righteous thin people to shelter behind.

This stunning proof of God’s existence has been met with scepticism by some. Interviewed on Radio Rockall today, Doctor David Bellamy denied he’d been sent by God to confound Darwinists and claimed that if Doctor Colony was right then fatties would be sent to heaven to eat, drink and watch TV all day. When the interviewer responded that surely, as fatties tended to get there earlier than most, this proved the case, Doctor Bellamy delivered the retort “Eat this then” followed swiftly by a bunch of five, thus terminating the interview as security threw him into the Guano pit. The research was cautiously welcomed by the Catholic Church. His Holiness the Pope, on hearing the news, dialled out for a large pepperoni pizza, opened a beer and, lifting his eyes heavenwards exclaimed “What the fuc*k am I here for then?!”

Doctor Cannily is 52 (waist).

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God drops fatties on Darwin

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