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Squaddies express fury at US deployment plan

British forces in Iraq have expressed outrage and dismay over proposals which will see 600 of their number put under US control in an attempt to quell widespread unrest in one of the world's most unstable regions, we can exclusively reveal.

UK defence secretary Geoff Hoon is to make a statement in the Commons today to stress that the deployment is not a political deal with US supremo George Bush, and that forces' commanders in the field will have the final say. This cuts little ice with the men in the trenches. "Fuc*k that," confirmed one visibly-rattled member of the Black Watch while he fiddled rather alarmingly with his rifle. "This is politics, pure and simple — a blatant attempt to prop up the US regime in the run-up to the forthcoming presidential elections."

Another red-faced squaddie took a few moments from distributing Sunny D to wide-eyed and joyful Iraqi kiddies to tell The Rockall Times: "The Yanks can't control the situation and now they expect us to go in and clear up the mess. It'll be a complete bloody disaster, let me tell you."

Military insiders have confirmed widespread unrest at the news, and have further insisited that "our forces are neither trained nor equipped to operate in Florida". An intelligence source explained: "The place is a complete mess. It's electoral anarchy out there. We've got two warring factions fighting bitterly for control of this key area and the rule of law has taken a pasting. I don't see how the insertion of a few hundred Brits will guarantee the restoration of democracy."

His fears are well-founded. Previous uprisings in the key state resulted in the mysterious disappearance of thousands of votes. Just last week, an international team of forensic pathologists uncovered the remains of hundreds of these victims in an enormous dustbin near Tampa Bay. "Many had been shot in the Chad at close range," sobbed one UN inspector. "I've been monitoring elections for years but I've never seen inhuman carnage like it."

Among American forces the news has received a mixed reception. "Wow! Yeah! Get in the hole!" enthused one grunt during a brief lull in the vicious fighting for the decidedly unholy city of Fallujah. His comrade, however, dismissed the proposal as "chickenshit" with a well-aimed gob of chewing tobacco juice directed at a passing Muslim cleric. He declined to elaborate.

In London, meanwhile, organisers said that fourteen million people took to the streets on Sunday to protest against the war in Iraq. This figure later sank to eleven and one dog-on-string according to Metropolitan Police estimates, was restored to three million by BBC news before settling to a respectable 100,000 during a late ITN bulletin.

Previously

• The Dogs of Phwoar!
• Dumsfeld denies UK armed forces slur
• British public out of whack on Iraq

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