Net closes on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

The net is closing on the savage and inhuman killer of Ken Bigley, we can exclusively reveal. Elite SAS forces have determined that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's hiding place is "somewhere in an area roughly the size of Iraq or thereabouts". The covert troops are currently wandering the desert certain of a positive outcome to the manhunt "as soon as we can get our radios working", as one scruffy and heavily bearded commando put it. Meanwhile, UK bookie William Hill has cut the odds of Osama bin Laden being found before the forthcoming US election from 10,000-1 to 9,473-1. "It's not based on any intelligence we have received," admitted a spokesman in a sheepskin coat and cap. "We're just trying to inject a bit of interest into the contest. Jesus, did you see any of those debates?"

England football team captain and all-round good egg Sir David Beckham has slammed Geoff Hurst's apparent hat-trick in the 1966 World Cup final and his subsequent celebratory behaviour as an "absolute disgrace to the game". Journeyman forward Hurst — who never played for Real Madrid, had a mega-deal with Pepsi or even married a highly-talented pop chanteuse — scored a "goal" in the match against the Germans with a shot that is now generally accepted not to have gone over the line at all. "It's clear that the goal shouldn't have been allowed," stated Beckham at the Intellectuals In Sport awards. "What's even more outrageous is that Hurst then swanned about for years afterwards boasting about scoring a hat-trick. He should have owned up at the time and then Germany would have quite rightly claimed the trophy. This kind of thing has no place in football."

Leading travel company Virgin have indicated that it is willing to retain the services of the man whose ill-advised beard and weird and seemingly religious customs are understood to have upset many customers and whose actions are utterly in contravention of the firm's stated policy of providing a high level of customer service. The man — named as Richard Branson — is understood to have been on several Virgin Trains' services, on the London to Manchester route and elsewhere, acting as what has been described as a "meeter and greeter" where his very presence coincided with the company announcing the introduction of new or improved standards. "But each time he guy turned up the result was chaos", explained one weary Virgin PR bod scanning the 'Sits Vacant' section of her paper. Branson also violated the company dress code. As one anonymous Virgin director told The Rockall Times: "We have told him on frequent occasions that he'll never be taken seriously dressed like that but he just doesn't seem to care."

Michael Jackson's long-term legal companion — Steve Cochran — has left the team defending the white pop idol against a raft of kiddie-fiddling charges. Cochran denied that any bust-up had provoked the resignation, but simply stated that he "wanted to spend more time with the kids".

A company was earlier today acquired by another for a multiple figure sum, valuing the shares at a certain percentage of a dollar each. The shareholders of one of the companies announced: "We are a determinable amount richer for the deal." A spokesman for the other company enthused: "Buy our products, they are tolerable."