Fergie rages at AWOL Ferdinand

Enthusiastic amateur chemist and footballing libero Rio Ferdinand is facing censure after the compassionate leave he was granted to go nightclubbing was abused when he popped over to Peckham cemetery to say goodbye to his Uncle Albert.

Given permission by Sir Alex Redface to party amongst a throng of hangers-on at a series of West End's hottest venues in time-honoured fashion, Ferdinand is known to have abused the trust placed in him. He had been excused Manchester United's midweek trip to Prague on the basis that his packed and punishing schedule of six games in nine months meant that he risked burn-out. With this worrying prospect on the horizon, Redface told His Name Is to get in some R&R down in the smoke.

However, the stylish England defender was pictured in many papers shivering beside a desolate graveside in deepest South London one morning when he should have been resting at one of the Dorchester's better suites with a close personal female friend of Kieron Dyer. Worse still, Ferdinand's foray into a influenza hot-spot has led to worries that an epidemic might KO Manchester United's chances of finishing amongst the UEFA Cup places.

Redface is understood to be turning a newer and more unusual shade of purple following the revelations and is expected to "want words" with his errant defender — a euphemism meaning globules of spittle will be finding their way over Ferdinand's visage and corn-rows in the very near future.

Previously

• Old Trafford crisis: Where has it all gone wrong?
• 'Our star player's going nowhere,' rants defiant Fergie
• Fergie spontaneously combusts