Government pledges clampdown on binge drinking

The government has pledged to come down hard on binge-drinking youngsters following a spate of incidents where paralytic youngsters have piled out of nightclubs and piled into innocent members of the public.

Ministers will today unpack a big crate of measures designed to tackle problem at its source: undereducated inner-city youths with too much time and disposal income on their hands. The problem — which blights much of the UK and has seen town centres nationwide declared "no-go zones" for decent, law-abiding citizens of Middle England — was thrown into sharp focus last week when one particularly obstreperous youth attacked a passing paparazzi outside a London nightclub.

The young man — later reported as having "a poor educational background" and coming from a "broken home" — had indulged in a drinking spree which saw him and pals down vodka cocktails, tequila and beer. He lashed out at the hapless photographer in a fit of rage described by onlookers as "right Royal". The victim suffered only minor injuries, but it took eleven Special Branch officers to pin the battling yobbo to the floor. Charges of assault were later dropped after the intervention of the Mail on Sunday.

A Home Office spokesperson told The Rockall Times: "This kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable. It is destroying the very fabric of our society." When pressed as to what measures would be taken against violent and drunken thugs such as the snapper-bashing hooligan, the spokesman sighed: "Well, I reckon a couple of years in the army will sort the little bugger out. If that doesn't work we could always fine the parent and impose an ASBO. Failing that, we might just declare Britain a republic and be done with it," he concluded with a shrug of resignation.

Binge drinking: What every parent should know

• Binge drinking is classified as consumption of alcohol greater than three jojoba-flavoured Bacardi Breezers per GCSE per hour.
• Tell-tale signs include: drunkenness, unsteady gait, large gob uttering profanities.
• Binge drinking costs the UK £200bn every year through the complete destruction of town centres.
• Binge drinking puts £210bn per annum into the exchequer through tax on alcohol.
• Binge drinking further saves Britain £500m in benefit payments each year through unemployed white trash being too hung over to sign on in the morning.
• The condition is punishable by law as "anti-social behaviour", although children of princes and prime ministers may be let off with a caution under the lesser charge of "high spirits".

Previously

• Enjoy our fun Royal spot-the-difference competition!
• The Curse of the Windsors
• The Rockall Times’ Jubilee Years in pictures