Democracy imminent in war-torn republic

Champions for democracy have uttered cautiously optimistic approval this week, following United Nations confirmation that what many thought could never happen in a war-torn trouble spot is to become a reality: democratic elections. For four dark years, the nation state and righteous world police force that is the US has suffered under the autocratic and speech-impaired jackboot of George W Bush’s reign of terror. Only now, before imminent elections take place, is the full horror of the Bush regime emerging.

Four years ago, democracy died in America. Following polling results which were not to his liking, Republican George “Dubya” Bush declared the vote null and void and seized power in a bloodless coup, declaring: “There’ll be no more of these pesky elections — pass me the three iron." Democrat opposition was striken with impotence and did nothing. Since that time Bush's vice-like grip has tightened, ably assisted by his lumbering henchmen General Colin “Shoot 'em Up” Powell, slack-jawed oppressor and professional pariah Dick Cheney and silvery-tongued wordsmith Donald “Little Donny” Rumsfeld.

But what has brought about this change of heart and caused Dubya to set an early November polling day? It seems that insurgent activity has reached boiling point across the exclusively God-blessed 50 states, forcing Bush into declaring fresh elections before the security situation worsens still further.

Uprisings have been led by the shadow-like slip of a man, Imam Michael Moore, waging a media Jihad with his incisive propaganda and spearheading a journalistic assault on the incensed President. The exact whereabouts of Moore remains a mystery, but he has submitted several grainy videos to major news networks over the years. In his latest ebullient message, Moore chooses to explain his militant stance. “Mr Bush is a tyrant and an unelected leader. I will not rest until he is removed democratically. I assert my right to carry a camcorder under the terms of the constitution, specifically the 12th Amendment twice-removed." Moore continued: “There were substantive whispers of hanging chads after the 2000 rigged election. The people will not tolerate hanging or any other form of barbaric capital punishment in this day and age — apart from lethal injections, the electric chair and occasional gas poisoning.”

Recent weeks have seen a softening of the normally hard-line Bush position. In strenuous efforts to embrace the alien concept of campaigning, Bush’s advisors have arranged several head-to-heads with his challenger John Kerry, occupational Bostonian and full-time Irish American war hero. Designed to assuage the malcontents these “debates” have been turbulent affairs, covering the full gamut of policy and position on both sides. In their most constructive exchange Kerry accused the President: “Your eyes are too close together and you’ve got a face like a slapped arse," prompting an immediate rebuff from Bush: “Yeah, well you’re an upstanding war hero and all-round good guy — Doh!”

Calls have been intensifying in recent weeks for the safe return from exile of Al Gore and his confusingly-named wife, Tipper. After the knives came out following his daring election challenge in 2000, Mr Gore fled America overnight, joining a band of low-key Irish travellers in Middlesex and lending a helping hand for the cheeky, law abiding six-fingered gypsies. Mr Gore has shown some reluctance to return though, and was today unavailable at his deluxe eight-berth centrally heated mobile home, from which he was spotted leaving in one of his two Ferraris.

Previously

• Umbongo, Umbongo, they shoot it in the Congo
• Sudan special: The chilling facts no parent can ignore
• Haiti special: Whither now the sun-kissed Caribbean paradise?