Titmuss to withdraw arthouse video masterwork

Shy and retiring former nurse Abi Titmuss is to demand a ban on her famous three-in-a-bed, girl-on-girl video collaboration with Devil-worshipping John Leslie, we can exclusively reveal. The highly-talented TV presenter and magazine columnist has stated the precedent of director Stanley Kubrick who withdrew his 1971 epic Clockwork Ornage from UK release amid fears of copycat rape and violence.

The Titmuss masterwork — entitled You’re A Naughty Girl — Abi Titmuss In Lesbian Sex Acts — contains sickening scenes of sapphic love and features an unpleasant naked Scotsman thrusting his hideously empurpled member into the simpering blonde. Despite widespread critical acclaim for its frank and honest depiction of cocaine abuse and interracial love, the grainy, hand-held sexumentary had provoked widespread concern from parents' groups that impressionable young girls might follow Titmuss' lead in seeking national press attention by falling out of her clothes at the drop of a hat.

One film reviewer told The Rockall Times: "Despite its status as an art-house classic of the genre, there is the real possibility that thousands of teenage girls with nothing more in their favour than a pair of surgically-enhanced breasts and a penchant for the furry cup will throw themselves on the mercy of the British tabloids after watching the work. It can only end in tears."

Ms Titmuss was unavailable for comment this morning, but a representative of her team of lawyers told us: "Abi'll get back to you as soon as she can. She's just flashing her beef curtains at a crowd of paparazzi outside the Met Bar. She'll be in St Tropez tomorrow if you fancy a quick chat and a 'Ooops my tits popped out' photo exclusive."

Previously

• When Abi met Robbie — but not Jodie
• I'll be your whore in the kitchen: Abi Titmuss
• Abi Titmuss: I want to bed Britney and Osama bin Laden