Brit holidaymakers in holiday kidnap terror ordeal

Northampton couple in Turkey roasting nightmare

by Arthurminnit

Northampton holidaymaker Mick Sutton (47) and his voluptuous wife Nicky (35) spoke yesterday of their miraculous escape from crazed hostage takers, as they returned from their holiday in the predominantly Muslim country, Turkey (3575).

Fighting back tears of joy at being safely back in God's (6474) own country (England - 1254), Mick (47) and Nicky (35) explained at length, and in harrowingly graphic detail, about the terrifying and brutal ordeal they had suffered, and that others are still suffering as we go to press.

What follows is their account, in their own words, verbatim. Those of a nervous disposition should read no further.

Mick (47): "I suppose it all started on about the third day of our holiday..."

Nicky (35): "No it wasn't! It was the fourth day, you were so pissed on the third day that you were in bed all bloody day! Honest, he's bleeding useless after a couple of cocktails. Spewing everywhere he was................."

Mick: "ANYWAY, it started when this middle aged couple (48 + 51) came over and sat near us in the restaurant and started asking us if we had been on any boat trips...."

Nicky: "Yes, a lovely restaurant, ate there most days and NEVER got the shits once.....OUCH! What was that for you bastard?"

At this point we led Nicky to our green room as Mick (47) had just landed a cracking backhand slap to her left ear, and frankly she was getting on our tits.

Mick (47): "Cheers mate, anyway, this couple, in their fifties persuaded us to go on a boat trip the next day to a place called Rabbit Island, hehehe, I said Nicky (35) would fit right in their cos she couldn't stop rabbiting, hehehehe, errr, anyhow, we went, and about halfway there, after about 90 minutes on the boat, we began to suspect something was a bit off, as about ten of the people on the boat were wearing balaclavas and carrying AK47 assault rifles! It turns out that these people were the vanguard of one of the most vicious terrorist groups still active in Asia Minor, a splinter group from SAGA holidays, intent not on world domination or ridding the world of American Imperialism, both of which are OK in my book, but rather on the more sinister, and in my view, much more unlikely aim of getting equal pool time, discounts and Ibiza Uncovered type documentaries made about them as the freedom loving 18-30s clubs!

"These thugs kept us all captive in mock 1960's sitting rooms, made us dress in carpet slippers and cable-knit cardigans, whilst videoing us pleading with Mr Blair (52) to force the tour operators to accede to their demands, or they would publicly humiliate one of us every hour in the most vicious way possible, with the ensuing video berating to be sent to al-Jazeera for immediate showing on the web!!!!"

At this point, Mick (47) broke down in tears again, like a great blubbing baby. When he could continue an hour later, he sobbed: "They weren't like normal people, it was as if they were possessed, hepped up on sanatogen and cod liver oil capsules, it was worse than being attacked by drunken Millwall fans! I dont know how they got hold of them, but they threatened at one point to show pictures of us all as babies!! These people had no concept of mercy! They even made us wear mittens with wool attached to each other through our sleeves, THROUGH OUR SLEEVES!!!! But worse was to come, as they selected two of their captives and then made them wear hand knitted sweaters, in 30 degree heat!!!! It was becoming more than a decent Englishman could bear, it was then that I decided to escape.

"Sadly I could think of no way to make a break for it, and Nicky (35) was too busy sunbathing to help, so I was stuck. Salvation came from a most unexpected quarter though, the kidnappers themselves!!! As the day wore on, and the sun (13,000,000,000) beat down mercilessly, they all took their afternoon nap, it was at this time that I realised I might have a chance to get away, so I took it! It was the work of but a moment to steal the lifeboat, and make good my escape, enabling me to report the dastardly deed, and to sell my story to the tabloids.

"Oh, and they let Nicky (35) go, along with all the other captives after they discovered that the boat's toilets were completely blocked up. Still, all's well that ends well, where's my cheque?"

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Brit holidaymakers in holiday kidnap terror ordeal

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