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Pope to to beatify Gary Lineker

In news set to send souls soaring around the Christian world, the Pope has at last named the individual who is to be beatified and eventually bestowed with the mantle of sainthood. During his 20 year fire-and-brimstone papal reign, Pope John Paul II has been under tremendous pressure to canonise a new saint. In our increasingly godless times, Catholic church-goers the world over have been clamouring for a new fictional miracle worker in order to make themselves feel better and prop up their crumbling ideals.

Several candidates have been suggested over this period such as royal bed-hopper and Fulham FC fan Princess Diana, prune-faced Mother Teresa of Calcutta and even rhythmic beat genius Ringo Starr. Ahead of the official announcement from the Vatican, The Rockall Times can sensationally reveal that the world’s newest saint will be Gary Lineker.

Beatification is the first step on the arduous road to sainthood, and is eventually followed by canonisation. Lineker is well on his way, and it can only be a matter of time before even saggy-eyed football whinger Mark Lawrenson is compelled to address him as “St.Gary of Leicester”.

Mr Lineker’s rise to prominence has been meteoric to say the least. Starting his career with Leicester City, it was only a matter of time before he moved on to a proper club and a regular England place. After representing his country at the highest level, he finished his playing days in Japan, where he was revered as a giant amongst men (being a foot taller than the locals). His career since has been well documented, and he has become Britain’s best loved and most jug-eared celebrity treasure.

There are two qualifying criteria that would normally apply to anyone aspiring to sainthood. Firstly, you must be deceased and secondly, you have to have performed miracles. His most papal and hunched holiness is willing to waive the first of these in an effort to bring the Catholic Church more up to date. Some might question his acumen on the miracle front, but time after time Lineker has repeatedly demonstrated his ability to make Walkers crisps literally fly unaided off the shelves in record numbers, winging their way miraculously into the cake-holes of obese children and corpulent pub-goers the nation over.

But this isn’t the only miraculous event attributed to the versatile footie presenter. He even provides for the impoverished. Higher sales of crisps have meant record profits for potato farmers, thereby enabling them to feed their malnourished carcasses after spending all of their massively swollen EU subsidies on new Mercedes 4x4s.

It was thought that Lineker could not possibly be feted with any more honours after his long list of awards and achievements. He was made an MBE at the age of three, a fellow of Oxford University as a teenager, subsequently a knight of the realm and lately rumoured in unconfirmed reports to be omnipotent, with the power to prevent wars and bring free renewable energy to all.

But what does Gary himself make of all the fuss surrounding the impending announcement? “Obviously I’m thrilled and flattered, who wouldn’t be? But there’s a lot of pressure goes with sainthood. I’m just an ordinary bloke, you know.”

Come, come, Gary. We know better.

Previously

• Pope canonises Blair
• New Irish saint sparks chart-busting chaos
• Those fast-track canonisation results in full

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