John Leslie books package holiday on Pitcairn Island

Devil-worshipping former TV presenter John Leslie has booked a two-week package holiday deal to Pitcairn Island with tour operator Gary Glitter International, we can exclusively reveal. The ex-squeeze of highly-talented porn TV presenter Abi Titmuss said he needed to get away for a while to "clear my head". When asked whether or not the recent sex allegations on the sun-kissed Pacific paradise had in any way influenced his choice of destination, he said: "Grown men raping girls as young as twelve, you say? Shocking, just shocking." Leslie then asked us to excuse him because "the plane leaves in an hour and I've got to allow extra time to buy a video camera in the duty free. By the way, do they have condom machines in the bogs at Heathrow?"

Premiership referee Matt Messias is in hiding today after Arsene Wenger failed to hurl televised abuse at the official following Arsenal's 1-1 draw with Southampton on Saturday. Wenger's post-match interview contained not one reference to Messias' sexuality, intelligence, professional integrity or penis size, leading the terrified ref to conclude that he has been marked for "relegation" by the Gunners' supremo. "He's going to have me rubbed out, I just know it," simpered a visibly-petrified Messias at an undisclosed location a long, long way from Highbury. Bookies, meanwhile, have slashed to 3-2 the odds of Wenger's unbeaten run of 237 games without praising a match official on any level whatsoever continuing to the end of the season.

Former UKIP supremo Robert Kilroy-Silk is tonight locked in talks with Chelsea supremo Jose Mourinho who wants the silver-haired housewives' favourite to take over the reins of Chelsea's European "operation". Duties are said to include bloodily suppressing uprisings by Gallic tribes around Brussels and subduing the Germanic race east of the Rhine in preparaton for all full-scale invasion during next year's Champions' League campaign. Insiders confirm that Kilroy-Silk is expected to sign with the oil-rich London club "as soon as he has stopped shouting about Arabs".

The latest woman to fall for the charms of Robbie "I'm fuc*king bored" Williams has been spilling the beans on her liason with the crooning Northerner to the News of the World. Tasty Lisa Brash told the paper how Robbie had charmed her into his hotel room within an hour of meeting. However, she denies that thay had intercourse on the first date, and insists that they simply "kissed and cuddled" until 7am. When asked to define "cuddle", Brash offered: "A passionate embrace during which the man's engorged penis discharges semen into the woman's reproductive canal leaving her totally satisfied as a woman."

Excited scientists have hailed the discovery of remains of Homo floresiensis on the Indonesian island of Flores as answering "one of the great evolutionary mysteries". Homo floresiensis stood just 3ft tall, had primitive language skills and could manipulate simple tools. "We've always wondered about the Krankies' ancestors, and now we know," noted a highly-satisfied boffin.