The race is on for US Presidential Election 2008™

This week Americans swaggered to the polls in their millions to elect Christian moral crusader George W Bush to the Presidency, allaying the fears of all civilised nations who have been fretting at the possibility of John Kerry as President, his plans sure to lead the US into a disastrous downward spiral of world peace, economic prosperity and free medical care for all. But as the rest of the world ponders with bewilderment the single-figured IQ of an American voter and how Dubya’s twin daughters are so inexplicably attractive, The Rockall Times takes an exclusive closer look at those already making covert moves to challenge in 2008.

It may be a case of Clinton all over again in ’08 if cuckold and hard-nosed asexual Democrat Hillary Clinton gains her party’s nomination. Believed to be fed-up with administering Bill’s demanding dry-cleaning account, Hillary is to wipe away the shame of her husband’s pungent and indiscreet nocturnal emissions, to once again restore the Clinton name on the world stage. Bill will be stepping back from his duties at the family’s greetings card business in order to fully endorse Hilary’s campaign, and is hoping to thrash out some radical policy initiatives with the latest draft of foreign interns, hailing from a boys' college in the Philippines.

Fellow Democrat and chastened upstart Senator John Kerry will not be standing again in four years time. He has decided to call an end to his presidential aspirations, and will join his sauce-magnate wife on the board of their modest family firm, Heinz. Whilst no formal announcement has been made, Kerry is certain to be working on the latest condiments to rock the culinary world. He will, of course, be offering his full support to the official candidate and whatever catering provisions are within his power to provide.

But what of the incumbent Republicans? No clear successor to replace Bush at the end of his term immediately springs to mind. The Republican Party have drafted fiercely demanding criteria which any potential candidate will find difficult to fulfil. Amongst other more obvious requirements such as making the country a laughing-stock, scaring the sh*it out of the populace and stealing from the poor to reward the rich are other, more subtle qualities. Candidates will have to show a clear ability for the backs of the hands to contact the ground whilst walking, and demonstrate unerring skill by communicating in short grunts accompanied by thumping of the chest.

Commentators are convinced that only one man fits the bill — Arnold Schwarzenegger. Talented former movie starlet and twinkle-toed muscle man Arnie has all the qualities needed to make the job his should he want it. As the respected high-brow thespian luvvie is now the Governor of California, he is gaining valuable political experience which will stand him in good stead for the 2008 race. On a mission of admirable tolerance for others, Governor Schwarzenegger has already instigated a ban on gay marriage within the state and the compulsory addition to all school children’s lunchtime meals of steroids, replacing the traditional free milk which he believes encourages eczema.

Pollsters are already predicting a close run contest in 2008, and the world will have to wait and see whether the American public can get it right this time.

Previously

• Revealed: The warriors set to challenge Emperor George Bush II of All the Americas
• Nader begs Dubya to step aside
• Democrat dirty tricks slur rocks US election