Ha ha ha you fuc*king loser!

Back to well-deserved oblivion for Senator Kerry

by Mathew Hopkins

Senator John Kerry is a broken man — a man broken on the electoral wheel of fortune and now destined to fill ketchup bottles in a chickenshit Ohio fast-food outlet for the rest of his miserable, worthless life.

That is the grim truth for the decorated Vietnam vet, the war hero who once rescued eleven comrades from a stinking riverside cage from which they were dragged by their hair to play Russian roulette for the amusement of their cackling Commie slope captors, the fearless leader whose napalm attacks on Vietcong villages — while dressed as a surfboarding General Custer — struck fear into the hearts of Red insurgents across southeast Asia.

John Kerry: Born loser So where did it all go wrong for the wannabe US prez? How could the long-faced Democrat take a down-to-the-wire, neck-and-neck electoral race and turn it in a matter of hours into the biggest rout since records began. Indeed, just minutes before voting began, breathless media commentators united to declare the contest so evenly matched that even a skilled operative would have been hard pushed to delicately insert a very thin ballot paper between John Kerry and George Bush. Pollsters concurred, even at one awarding point awarding Kerry a 0.000002 per cent lead in the vital swing state of Britain where voters were later declared the "best informed in history" following a staggering 3.2-billion-hour television blitz led by elite forces from BBC News 24.

"He never stood a chance," said one chuckling newspaper editor while approving a mocked-up photograph of Kerry sucking Japanese cock in a Thai lap-dancing establishment as part of a sixteen-page "Whither now for lifelong loser Kerry?" feature. "It was pretty clear from the start that the voters saw Bush as the only man who viewed both an all-out assault on Iran and a clampdown on gay wedlock as vital to national security. Kerry, by contrast, lost the vital Middle-American vote through a combination of declining to finger Fidel Castro as a personal friend of Osama bin Laden, failing to confirm a complete ban on abortion-on-demand for Satan-worshipping Californian transexuals and then making a complete bloody idiot of himself by standing in front of a mike and declaring 'My name is Senator John Kerry and I'm reporting for duty'."

Pressed as to why his newspaper had not reported the damning evidence of Kerry's manifest inadequacies to US-election-news-starved readers, preferring instead to run with the headline "US Election too close to call" on the eve of the Day Which Did Not Change The World At All™, our member of Her Majesty's press pushed aside an artist's impression of another of the Senator's possible new jobs — cleaning the toilets in a bowel cancer ward with his tongue — to add: "Who am I to say there will not be a last-minute turn-around — a political miracle so unforeseen and breathtaking that it would shake the US electoral system the the very tightly-packed bricks of high-denomination dollar bills on which it rests?"

This analysis of the press coverage of the days leading to Kerry's drubbing was confirmed by a visibly-smug TV pundit who had just finished filming his post-election analysis, entitled "Kerry, eh? What a complete waste of space", for C5 news. "I always knew he was a wrong 'un, but on television we have a responsibility to report elections without political bias. It was therefore our duty to declare that Kerry was a real prospect to occupy the White House, even when we knew he didn't have a snowball's chance in hell."

He continued: "It's a great burden to carry, I can tell you. What a relief when it was apparent that Bush had taken the day and we were able to freely express what had been evident from the start. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm taking part in a "Should John Kerry do the decent thing and shoot himself in the head with his service revolver?" round-table on Radio 4.

Meanwhile, US Democrats have confirmed that they are to take radical steps to produce a presidential candidate with at least a fighting chance of beating the Bushes — by mating a clone of John F. Kennedy with Hillary Clinton to produce a viable, populist and libido-charged John F. Kennedy-Clinton Jr. Scientists will use DNA from a vaginal swab of actress Marilyn Monroe — taken during a routine autopsy in 1962 — to produce the former president's double.

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