Channel 4 in rotting corpse rumpus (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

The good burghers of Middle England have been falling over themeselves trying to get out of their Volvos and in front of a television camera to express their dismay and disgust at the announcement that Channel 4 will broadcast a rotting corpse on British screens for the first time.

The planned programme — to be shown over as long a period of time as the ratings allow — is described as "bringing television producers face-to-face with their own mortality" as the putrid and maggot-ridden innards of UK TV listings will flop from the rigid carcass of broadcasting remits and public service standards.

Reaction to the proposal has been mixed, although mostly negative. "Sickening, Sickening Filth" led the Daily Mail, a view endorsed by the many Chistians who gathered outside Channel 4's smart headquarters to conduct a candlelit vigil in aid of the programme makers' souls. Elsewhere, however, two or three scientists have praised the idea's "many educational benefits", including that of bringing to the boggle-eyed masses the reality of what really happens when an entire TV culture pops it clogs.

A leading pathologist explained to The Rockall Times what viewers can expect to see: "At first, everything seems normal — it just looks as if British television is asleep. Soon, however, the corruption within bursts through the skin in a hideous orgy of putrescence. Reality TV shows in their thousands begin to eat away at the body — jungle challenges for C-list celebrities, wife-swapping 'sociological' fly-on-the-wall documentaries, twelve-week pop challenges fronted by sociopathic record company execs.

"Then the vital organs are exposed: greed-driven game shows on cardboard sets, second-rate sitcoms commissioned by the producer's brother, prime-time knock-out ballroom-dancing extravanganzas backed up by 'analysis' previews where simpering girlies giggle over the pasa doble, farmyard reality outings for D-list 'names' who masturbate pigs, gritty soap opera plotlines where drug-addicted, shoplifting single mothers murder their children's father with a can opener..."

"Finally, all that is left is the skeleton: the structure which holds the whole body together, comprising literally hundreds of talentless but ratings-hungry television producers brainstorming their way to the next televisual sensation."

Asked his personal opinion on the Channel 4 proposal, our expert admitted: "It'll be fantastic. I love TV. Did you see the last Big Brother where that slapper gave that bloke a blowjob under the duvet? That's what people want to see. Terrific stuff."

We attempted to contact Channel 4 this morning for a comment but were told that "they're all out with spades and shovels looking for corpses. You're not terminally ill, are you?"

Channel 4 in rotting corpse rumpus

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