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Happy birthday to us

It seems like only yesterday that we were putting the finishing touches to the first-ever issue of The Rockall Times — our sparkling debut on the North Atlantic satire scene. Actually, it seems more like three years ago or, more precisely, on 12 November 2001 that we were at last able to reveal that Osama bin Laden had indulged in drug-crazed sex romps with farmyard animals, Liz Hurley and talented model Jordan did indeed have reproductive organs and a British man had gone ahead and bought a shed despite the chilling risk of attack by airborne ragheads.

So, you ask, what's changed in the last three years? Well, not a lot. Bin Laden continues to be a rich source of nourishment for satirists everywhere; the highly-talented Jordan is still delighting tabloid readers across the UK by thrusting her ample bosoms at the paparazzi; and shed sales remain robust, without regard for the ongoing War on Terror™.

Which is why we are wishing ourselves a very happy birthday today in the hope that we, and our crack team of contributors, can continue to deliver the kind of incisive reporting which has made The Rockall Times a byword for journalistic excellence. It's clear that the world is as fuc*ked-up as it ever was, and while there are bent politicians, vacuous sports personalities, educationally sub-normal pop celebrities, self-important media commentators, sociopathic dotcom yuppies and Albanian immigrant paedophiles molesting our children, roasting our swans and causing distress to decorated war heroes, we will be there to ensure that they get the kind of rough, council-estate instant justice they so warmly deserve.

So, while we tuck into our celebratory roast guillemot and mackerel pie of Olde England followed by gannet souffle and mollusc jus washed down with lashings and lashings of sea urchin-flavoured Bacardi Breezers, it just remains to announce the imminent arrival of our all-new, third anniversary t-shirt:

This new premium-quality 100 per cent cotton t-shirt will be available in about a week, as soon as we've sobered up sufficiently to open the boxes. In the meantime, here's a birthday tease about a forthcoming announcement — a picture of the MV Invincible, which operates from Stromness in Orkney. What on God's earth has this fine vessel got to do with internet satire? There's a clue here. More soon:

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