I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

BBC smashes punditry world record

The BBC has smashed the punditry world record with its stunning wall-to-wall coverage of the US presidential election. At the height of the contest, the corporation had more than 2,000 pundits giving forth on a range of topics without the slightest idea of what was actually going on. They totalled a massive 2.7 million pundit-hours — all of them packed with top-quality speculation. "We couldn't have done it without News 24," admitted an exhausted executive. "They really gave it 110 per cent. It's a fantastic day for the BBC and the licence payers."

Educationalists are calling for a shake-up of the UK's degree system which would see the current grading system massively extended. Instead of the current First, 2.1 and so forth, students would be graded according to their academic ability tied to their their level of literacy. So, a 2.2CS degree would be awarded to the majority of students who are averagely bright but cannot even spell their own names. Those who are averagely bright, can spell their own names but can't distinguish betweem "their" and "they're" will get a 2.2CS* certificate. Any student intelligent enough to get a 2.2 but who has a spelling age greater than 12 will walk away with a 2.2CS** and in exceptional circumstances — where they are able to consistently spell a hard word like "believe" — may be upgraded to a C-grade 2.1. There will also be less emphasis on final exams and greater consideration of course work, including credits for time spent arguing about Red Dwarf in the Student Union bar.

Actress Sienna Miller has admitted she like karaoke. The talented thespo is dating Alfie co-star Jude law and reckons that there's nothing more satisfying than belting out a number to a howling mob of drunken revellers. Miller is expected to announce next week that she also likes the colour blue and owns a car. Miller's squeeze Law was unavailable for comment regarding karaoke and is believed to have gone into hiding for fear of a press stampede following the hold-the-front-page revelation.

The news that air pollution contributes to heart disease marks a turning point for research into the condition. As one scientist explained: "There are now so many things that contribute to heart disease that it's easier to list the things that don't contribute to it and people can work out the rest for themselves." When asked to give an example of something which will not harden arteries and bring the heart to an abrupt standstill, the boffin offered: "Strawberries. Probably, but don't quote me on that for God's sake."

The international wholesale price of ivory has not been affected by ongoing troubles in war-torn Ivory Coast, we can confirm. "Commodity values do not fluctuate according to political tensions in countries which just happen to have a name containing a reference to them," one economist explained. "So, the market price of gold is not linked to property prices on Australia's Gold Coast, and neither will the cost of raw copper rise and fall with the waters of Alaska's Copper River. The notable exception to this rule is crockery, the price of which has suffered a recent sharp rise due to the strength of the vibrant Chinese economy."

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘The Arts’ index page