Fallujah Freedom Diary

As I hauled the vast bulk that is me out of the king-sized double bed of my BBC issue retro chic ensuite armoured caravan I knew today would see me once more where I belong. With the people I love, respect and sometimes have a crafty wank over. People who put their lives on the line every day for freedom and democracy all over the world. The brave men and women of BBC’s flagship current affairs/entertainment/audience loser the Ten O’clock News.

Embedded Apricot Danish

To keep my strength up for the momentous day of freedom ahead, I ate wave after wave of perfectly-cooked full English breakfasts. I counted them in, then I counted more of them in. Bacon, sausage, black pudding, fried bread, clotted cream, sauted potatoes, nan bread, danish and croissants all washed down with a jar or two of Chicken Tonight. Then my world turned upside down. I had to stop eating for a moment to do a videophone piece for News 24.

As dawn broke the embedded coalition troops who will accompany me as I free Fallujah captured a fridge full of offal which should keep me going until brunch. I’ve been working for this day for months now, the culmination of hours of intense planning in restaurants all over the West End.

Then the moment the world had been waiting for, my appearance on The BBC’s flagship yoof culture programme the Ten Oclock News to tell the world I have freed another Iraqi city from the tyranny of terrorism and building regulations.

Sunni Delight

There was a short delay before I went live and “in vis” as we say in the business and my tummy began to rumble. Thank God and just in time, through the swirling dust clouds came hundreds of armoured supply trucks from Lancashire’s First Auxillary Brigade Queen’s Hotpot Regiment with the buffet. As the seconds ticked away to my live “in vis” report, laser guided hostess trolleys supplied what was to my mind more of a carvery than a buffet. But this is war and we must all make sacrifices.

Iraqy Baby Terrorist

As I went on air I could smell the flesh of burning Iraqy baby terrorists and the aroma made my mind up. I must ponce a Burger and Freedom Fries off the US troops before I go to bed.

You can read about me eating abroad in my new book called “Eating Abroad on BBC Expenses” by John Simpleton. My last book — “Eating at Home on BBC Expenses” — is now available in paperback.

John Simpleton is 50 stone. Interactive viewers can order an enormous Simpleton full English — including double bubble and fried slice — by pressing the red button on their handsets now.

Previously

• God drops fatties on Darwin
• Britain declares war on obesity
• How to make the most of 'plumped' meat