Anne Robinson to provoke nuclear apocalypse?

Prominent BBC News Reader Huw Edwards’ secret love affair with Weakest Link Presenter and Well Known Hater of the Welsh People Anne Robinson, is on the verge of causing a major international incident. A spokesman for the BBC said yesterday: “If we can’t keep this thing under wraps, it may be the end of civilisation as we know it.”

This, of course, has nothing to do with the NUWS (National Union of Welsh Sheep) threatening to cause havoc unless their sexual tensions are quickly relieved by the immediate return of Mr Edwards to their midst. This popular theory only plays to the unhelpful stereotype of all Welshmen as sheep badgerers, which everyone knows is almost entirely untrue. Nor is it the case that our very own General Blair gains particular enjoyment from wrapping sheep-from-a-small-farming-village-just-off-junction-25 round his body and juggling their testicles to the delight of Cherie. He has recently denied such claims in the House of Commons. No, this goes deeper. Much deeper.

The true reason that led aforementioned BBC spokesman to utter such an extraordinary statement is thus: (and it does get quite complicated, so try to keep up) Firstly, let it be remembered that Mr Huw Edwards is a self proclaimed Welshman. Secondly, let it not slip the mind that since Anne Robinson tried to get the Welsh people consigned to the horrors of Room 101 on Paul Merton’s hilarious BBC2 comedy programme of the same name, she has hence been added to the list of Well Known Hater of the Welsh People, alongside such names as Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein and The World’s Entire Population of Sheep.

And so, here we have a Welshman, and a Well Known Hater of the Welsh People, being as close to each other as two people can get. A controversy, yes. A Romeo and Juliet story of love conquering all? Absolutely not. To understand the true reason that Mr Edwards and Miss Robinson are together, and to grasp why it could bring about the end of civilisation as you and I know it, you must accept this bald-faced and unflinching fact, a fact so shocking that if you are not in the close vicinity of a large bottle of scotch, you better remedy the situation very quickly. That fact which is none other than this: Huw and Anne are not in love. They are in lust.

Why, your intakes of breath are so loud I can hear them all the way back here in the past as I am even endeavouring to write this frivolous, unnecessarily long winded, not to mention inherently absurd, sentence. I fear I need say no more, and really must believe that the vast majority reading now will already now be putting together the dots that lead to the destruction of the world. But for all the children, mentally handicapped, and supporters of George W. Bush still struggling to draw that mental picture, I will connect those dots right here, right now on this page, and so read on. (The rest of you may skip to the last paragraph, and join me in prayer for this our own and only beloved world.)

So, the destruction of the world. And by this I mean a large scale nuclear war (or any other kind of equal or greater mass destructive power), which would all but wipe out the human population, and most other living creatures. To understand the connection, you must first ask yourself, Why would anyone want to do this? Who could do it? For both these questions, the answer leads one place: America. But why would America launch a full scale nuclear attack on the world? If their power were threatened. Ah, and how could their power be threatened? If the rest of the world joined together to defeat them. Yes, but how could the rest of the world join together in such a common aim? By forgetting or ignoring long traditions of prejudice and bigotry and entwining themselves with an even greater tradition of love and compassion for all life. And what would the initial signs of this beginning to happen be? Well, how about well known people on opposite sides of deep dividing lines getting together for such frivolous reasons of not mere love, but simple unadulterated lust? Such as… for example… our very own Huw Edwards and Anne Robinson?

A pre-emptive strike would be an inevitability.

The end of the world would soon follow.

So just thank God in Heaven that in statistical terms no one at all reads this newspaper, the saintly Rockall Times. And please join with me, your humble news reporter, who brings you such ill tidings, in prayer, that never does it become common knowledge that Huw and Anne are tickling each other in unmentionably naughty places for nought but giggles and a brief feeling of satisfaction. Amen.

Previously

• This week's unsubstantiated rumours in full
• Rock star found logged on to bestiality website while having sex with goat was 'just doing research' police told
• Reader Poll result: Raghead terrorists to face Anne Robinson