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  Monday 15th November 2004  Politics   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Police dismay at Blunkett mobile proposal

Front-line officers voice serious concerns
by Flash Gorman

The British Police Federation has reacted angrily to the proposal by political weather vane David Blunkett to equip the UK’s officers with mobile phones. Although happy about the general concept there is considerable unease amongst serving policeman regarding the quality of phones they will be issued with.

A spokesman for the federation voiced their fears: “What our members are worried about is being lumbered with some clunky old handset without a decent set of ringtones. At the very least we want polyphonic sounds and a hundred free texts a week. A built-in mp3 player would make those tedious nights on the beat a lot more palatable and we need a decent selection of front covers — this is particularly important for undercover officers — who will probably also need a silent call option, especially when sneaking upon crack houses full of Yardies armed with Uzis and rocket-propelled grenades. And what about 3G, eh? Has anyone looked into the fantastic range of mobile entertainment that 3G can now deliver to your handset?”

When asked about the crime-fighting merits of the phones, the spokesman seemed impressed: “Yeah, yeah whatever,” he enthused. “But they’d better have some good games on them. Bluetooth connectivity would be nice as well. And some of the lads are talking about a three megapixel camera facility. That’d be good for when they give a drunken female suspect a good old spit roasting. Something to MMS round the canteen on quiet afternoons.”

Mr Blunkett was quick to proudly display his own mobile phone as an example of the high-quality products the force could expect. Despite being nearly a foot in length and having “My first phone” written on it, Mr Blunkett assured the media that the man in the shop had told him it was a really good one, although he did admit to having some problems “calling anyone other than Old Macdonald”.

Mr Blunkett then made a robust defence of his policy by pointing out the advantages of officers being equipped with mobile phones. “Giving officers' mobile numbers to the public will enable closer links to be forged. Criminals will be able to liaise directly with officers to arrange payment of bungs or mutually agreeable arrest locations — rather than all this tedious traditional detective work. This will free police officers to get on with their real job of doctoring crime statistics to prove that my policies are hard on crime, hard on those who peddle crime and hard on the causes of crime — wherever they may hide. Oh sorry, excuse me a minute, Mary's ringing me again about her little lamb.”

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