Brit lit starlet Cherie tainted by 'servant' smear

Britain's pre-eminent lady barrister, top-drawer political advisor and surprise literary sensation of 2004 Cherie Blair acted decisively last week to quash malicious rumours concerning her domestic arrangements that threatened to bring her down a peg or two in the public esteem and jeopardise some of her flourishing careers.

This year alone the outstandingly gifted first lady has risen to the top of a slew of professions — from learned biographer to celebrity after-dinner speaker — but it's the extraordinary reputation she commands in her core métier that has always been the key to her ubiquitous success, as she disarmingly admitted in her first big public speaking engagement in December 2002 when she was forced to overcome her natural modesty and step into the limelight to frankly admit her part in the notorious Peter Foster affair.

After a brave initial attempt to protect the sleazy ex-convict by claiming she'd never met him, "two-flats" Cherie yielded to the public demand for full disclosure, and won the sceptics over with a heart-rending confession that set new standards for honesty in public life. "The reality of my daily life is that I am juggling a lot of balls in the air, trying to be a good wife and mother, the prime ministerial consort at home and abroad, a top-flight barrister, selfless charity worker and half-decent property speculator. Sometimes the balls get dropped," she magnificently read from the autocue and clinched the argument by bursting into tears.

Now, if a sordid article in the 25 October edition of The Rockall Times is to be believed, gutsy Cherie's bedrock career as kak-handed circus performer may be nothing more than a convenient charade. According to the ugly smear doing the rounds in the close-knit village of Westminster one or two of those burdensome "balls" in her renowned juggling act may not be so heavy after all. The vindictive gutter journalist who penned the scurrilous report claims to have unearthed damning evidence of "servants' quarters at number 10", suggesting that Mrs Blair gets more than a bit of a hand when it comes to the domestic hurly-burly of catering to the sometimes extravagant demands of Tony and the kids.

This time there was no delay. The malicious gossip had no sooner reached her ears through old friend Alistair Campbell, still hanging about the place eager to be of service, than the juggling QC promptly issued another crowd-pleasing confession. "Tony's very impatient. He can't always wait for me to get back from the Bar to do his tea. But it's a disgrace to call the home help my 'servants' — I'd never let them stay in my house overnight," she magnificently read from the autocue and clinched the argument by bursting into tears.

It was during a difficult first appearance at last month's Festival of Literature in the unforgiving crucible of Cheltenham Town Hall, the graveyard of literary pretenders, that the rising star of Brit lit honed her intimate style of frank revelation to perfection. As she read exquisite extracts from her recently published volume on the unsavoury toilet habits of her predecessors at Number 10 her audience became increasingly restive. It wasn't those dismal old fogeys they wanted to know about but the much bubblier current queen of Great Britain PLC herself.

The modest literary lioness could not deny her public for long. She smiled shyly, pulled out her diary for the coming year, turned to a random page and began. "May 5th — Tony says keep the next three weeks clear. Mad dash up and down country with masses of photo-ops for the pair of us. Wonder what it's all about. Can't wait. May 26th — Royal Festival Hall 10pm. All-night bash with me leading sing-song. Yippee!"

The gasp of excitement followed by a buzz of whispering around the hall was a clear sign to the Festival organisers that a unique literary talent had arrived on the scene fully-formed. Within hours the newly dubbed "Lady Chatty" was booked on a barnstorming stateside lecture tour of ivy-league universities, with $2m on the table in export earnings for Britain.

Flushed with spectacular success across the pond and about to set off on the second leg of her cultural export drive in Dubai the overbooked Lady Chatty has had to delegate the pursuit of her damages claim against The Rockall Times to battling solicitor Mr Imran Khan, founder and curator of the shrine to St Stephen Lawrence. He immediately raised the stakes sky-high in an exclusive chequebook interview with Gavin Spewit of arch gutter press rival The Daily Sport.

"It was a vicious, unprovoked, racially-motivated attack on one of the defenceless new breed of super-élite have-it-all heroines," the champion of retributive justice said of the degrading slur. "This epoch-making test case is bigger than Lawrence, and I'll make sure to dine out on the injustice of it forever and a day as I continue to do in solemn memory of that hugely symbolic black loser."

Next week

In search of the mucky bits — Lady Chatty's 1992 filofax re-appraised.

Previously

• Wobble-free Blair hails new world order
• Cherie Blair's naked pagan shower sex romps with topless model
• Cherie miscarriage forces Blair Iraq U-turn