Spurs fret over Dean Richards brain scan

Beleaguered club Tottenham Hotspur have been dealt yet another blow now that centre-half Dean Richards has received the results of a recent brain scan.

Despite Richards clearly suffering for years from an inability to mark properly, a tendency to ongoing dizziness on the pitch, haphazard passing, a laughable lack of ball control, and a complete absence of any sort of good positional play, doctors have said that the likelihood of his actually having any sort of bran tumour is very low.

Reaction to the news was swift. “This is bizarre," insisted a club insider speaking on condition of wanton anonymous publicity. “If his brain’s not completely shot then what on earth is the explanation for the way he plays, eh?" The insider admitted that Spurs had “pinned a great deal” on doctors “proving” that Richards was “not quite right up there — I mean it’s obvious once you've seen the poor guy wandering aimlessly around a football pitch”.

However, despite this setback the club’s chief medical officer has made it clear that Tottenham will be seeking a second opinion — “and a third, fourth, and fifth if bloody well necessary” — since it is unacceptable for anyone to think the reason for his behaviour is that he’s simply no good.

Previously

• Spurs broker historic stadium deal
• Rogue football agent shames the Beautiful Game™
• Diary of a Premiership footballer