Downing Street rocked by diary scandal

Leaked pages steaming with smut

by Stowbury

Britain's first lady Cherie Blair is inconsolable after discovering a number of crucial pages missing from her diary, a Downing Street spokesman confirmed today. The extracts posted on the internet were taken from the months of July and August this year, a traditional period of relaxation for the hard-working Blairs, who in the interests of economy make use of their personal connections to occupy a succession of holiday villas abroad at almost no cost to the public purse.

Cherie Blair: Cupped plums The entry for 25 July reveals a carefree spirit emerging from the straitjacket of public duty and slowly unfurling in the Barbados sunshine away from the public gaze. "Tony's gone off with Cliff on Christian gay conference thing downtown. Says he has to grin and bare it for sake of the free hols, but I wonder if it's more than that. Chatted with bevy of muscular golden surfers waxing their boards on the beach. New bikini a real hit with pick of the bunch Brad. Couldn't take our eyes off each other. Would a dalliance be so very wrong?"

The following day storm clouds are gathering in the Caribbean. "July 26th — Doctor's report on the dodgy ticker. Tony needs another op, but insists on postponing till end of September after conference. Why? Meanwhile must avoid any strain he says, no 'birds and bees stuff'. Hmmph!"

"5pm. Still trying to catch my breath. It's so very, very right! Went all squishy inside as Brad came for me, lifted me up and flung me onto the deck of the beach hut for delirious hump, drowning in golden flesh. Walls shuddered as I came. Ridge-marks all over bottom from pounding against wooden slats. Wish they would stay forever, not that Tony would notice."

The prime minister has so far resisted calls for a full police investigation into the theft of the sensitive material. An exhaustive enquiry will be conducted in-house by the experienced Privy Counsellor and intimate family friend Lord Peter Goldsmith, to whom the Blairs invariably turn for assistance on delicate matters such as this. In his capacity as Attorney General last year he gave the prime minister just the advice he needed on the legality of invading Iraq when the circumstantial evidence of massed expert opinion against it had briefly threatened to shake the famous Blair resolve and provoke an embarrassing climbdown.

An inspection team headed by Lord Goldsmith will be interrogating the chief suspects in the upstairs drawing room at number 10 under the protocol laid down in rule 14.4.1 of the contract of employment for domestic staff, relating to unlawful appropriation of proscribed material. The two unnamed chambermaids, aged 16 and 17, will face "serious consequences" if they fail to provide the inspectors with full and active co-operation in the intimate search for evidence of a breach, not merely presenting themselves eagerly for thoroughgoing investigation of possible locations of concealment but pro-actively pointing out particulary sensitive sites, preferably greeting the inspectors' visits with little whimpers of pleasure to demonstrate due repentance and good faith.

The following month found the Blairs settled into their favourite summer residence amid the rolling Tuscan hills, with Cherie giving full rein to the informal confessional style that has earned her the affectionate soubriquet "Lady Chatty".

"August 17th. Tony's off to Sardinia for a boys' weekend with Silvio in spanking new waterside cave HQ. Paintballing Bond re-enactment or something. Hmmph! More strain on ticker than doing conjugal duty I should have thought."

"Sultry afternoon stroll in the cypress grove wearing flimsiest frock, nothing underneath. Who should I spot but brooding gardener Morelli. 'Cooee!' I lifted my hem and waved. We tumbled onto the rough grass. Gushed a bucket over fast-pumping iron cock and slapping balls, the earth juddering as I came."

"August 18th. Heavenly slow-burning screw in the toolshed, climaxing in delicious wave after rippling wave. Cupped Morelli's plum-sized balls in my hand post-coitus, feeling their weight. Half a kilo, maybe more. Something extra in the sac that even Brad didn't have."

In a late development, solicitors for Signor Morelli are seeking an injunction against the author to prevent further revelations concering their client, which have already forced the gardener into early retirement in the wake of a testicular cancer scare. According to employer Signor Cavaliere, owner of the Tuscany villa and grounds, the grim diagnosis was the only hypothesis that could account for the intimate facts cited by his famous guest.

Lord Goldsmith dismissed the attempt at gagging the nation's diary queen and leading scrotal connoisseur as laughable. "Not a chance. Tony's tried it himself and assures me you can't get anything big and rectangular enough to stop up that bloody great pillar-box cakehole."

The complete and authorised edition of Lady Chatty's Diary, 2004 is published on 6 December by Secker & Warburg, price £14.95.

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Downing Street rocked by diary scandal

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