Government to outlaw the five-knuckle shuffle

Masturbation 'a significant risk to public health'

by James Frotbox

In recent months, the Irish government has moved to ban smoking in the workplace. Just a couple of weeks ago, the Scottish parliament flexed its gigantic autonomous muscles in announcing it plans to do the same, and there are even rumblings through the valleys of the Welsh Assembly suggesting the measures could be adopted there. Until now, England’s parliament has not indicated its desire to follow the subjugated regions into non-smoking oblivion, but following the latest parliamentary white paper this will become a reality as early as 2006. This clampdown on cancer sticks is likely to be merely a red herring, as The Rockall Times can sensationally reveal that the Government has advanced plans to ban and criminalise one of our last remaining freedoms — masturbation.

For countless centuries, male citizens the length and breadth of our glorious Kingdom enjoyed the unrestricted pleasure of being able to “dance with the one-eyed sailor” unhindered in any place and at any time they chose. It seems that this widespread practice will come to an end though, amid campaigners concerns that it poses a significant risk to public health. Again set to take effect in 2006, this will ban the practice from all workplaces and enclosed public spaces in order to protect those subjected to the dangerous side effects. Such effects can include blindness, deafness, bulging eyes, muscular forearms, manly handshakes and limited social life.

Doing their best to rally support for a concerted scuppering of these proposals is the leading organisation for protecting masturbators rights, the “Consolidated Union of Pink Oboe Players”. The union points out that whilst the activity of their membership is largely acknowledged to be a danger to others, these new measures smack of the typical nanny state mentality of the current Labour government and go too far in restricting personal choice. Surprisingly, Greenpeace have also sprung to the aid of the pro-Onanist cause, reasoning that the friction arising from fevered practitioners could be harnessed to provide renewable energy capable of powering several small hamlets in the Home Counties.

However, the evidence supporting the proposals is overwhelming. RoSPA, the society for prevention of accidents, have welcomed the announcement as a step forward for Britain, their spokesman Hugh Jardon stating: “This legislation is long overdue. Our statistics show that there are over 37,925 wank-related fatalities every year in the UK, and a further 115,695 slips and falls reported by innocent bystanders who have come a cropper on something unsavoury.”

If the measures become a reality it will put an end to the practice of segregated areas at the workplace, instead addicts being forced outside in the cold to practice their antisocial addiction, where the threat to others is reduced.

Unlikely opposition to the bill will come in the shapely form of EU Commissioner and insipid dung-shover Peter Mandelson. He points to the lack of problems on Brussels back streets, where a ban isn’t in place. “I have conducted my own particular research into this supposed curse with the assistance of my secretary, Jean-Michel. My opinion is that the danger to health posed by tossers like me is insignificant.”

Automatic exemptions are already believed to be in place for senior cabinet ministers.

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Government to outlaw the five-knuckle shuffle

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