Man with six O-Levels makes bid for monarchy (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

We at The Rockall Times have learnt that a middle-aged man with six O-Levels, two mediocre A-Levels and a second-class degree in History believes he can become King of England. This lamentable example of self-delusion supports Prince Charles' assertion that modern "learning culture" encourages children to aspirations way beyond their abilities, and leads them to believe that they can advance without hard work and talent.

The Prince of Wales last week drew widespread support for his statement that the British education was a "child-centred system which admits no failure". That Charles has ruthlessly exposed this sham is confirmed by the fact that an academically-challenged individual who failed to shine despite an expensive private education believes he will one day rule the UK.

An expert in European monarchies told us: "It amazes me that someone who is not even sufficiently qualified to be a plumber thinks he can ascend to the throne. What's even more risible, however, is that he has royal ambitions for his sons — one of whom is thicker than a Chernobyl safety inspector's lead underpants."

We rang the Prince of Wales' press office this morning to get a suitably provocative soundbite but were told by the cleaner that a couple of the staff were at an industrial tribunal investigating claims of sexual harrassment, three more had taken the afternoon off to indulge in homosexual activities and the rest were accompanying the Prince on a tut-tutting mission to criticise a new building which had irritated architectural expert Charles. "You might catch him after five at his local pub," she told us. "You can't miss him; he's the one with big ears propping up the bar and favouring the clientele with his expansive knowledge of current afairs. They call him the 'Oracle of Highgrove'."

Man with six O-Levels makes bid for monarchy

Previously