Blunkett truth is 'quantum phenomenon', scientists explain

"The job of our proposed legislation is to reflect the current issues we face in society," said David Blunkett, referring to the raft of new ways to turn people into criminals that New Labour plan to introduce before the next general election.

Scientists at the Centre for Unlikely Nonsense Theories and Statistics seized eagerly upon the remark, and — after literally thousands of minutes of research — have produced a paper explaining how legislation can "reflect" an issue, and why issues reflected in this manner are invariably grossly distorted. The Rockall Times was naturally first on the scene to interview the scientist — who modestly refused to be named — responsible for these amazing discoveries.

Here's what our interviewer discovered:

RT: What we all want to know is, is Blunkett telling the truth after all? If so, how come everything he says sounds like a right load of old cobblers?

CUNTS: The first thing you have to understand is that the old cliché about the "light of truth" is based in fact. "Truth" behaves as both a wave and a particle, and has quantum properties in the same way as light. When an issue is seen and understood under normal conditions, it is because particles of truth — or "factons" — are absorbed by the observer's sensory apparatus after bouncing off the surface of the issue.

RT: That makes sense. So where does the legislation come in?

CUNTS: Mr. Blunkett's claim that his legislation "reflects" issues is inaccurate. During his time as home secretary, he has ensured that laws are placed between the issues and the truth-source, acting as a form of distorting lens. When the factons given off by the truth-source pass through the "legislative lens", many of them are deflected in random directions, making the original issue difficult to detect.

RT: So is that why he always sounds like he's talking total bol*locks then?

CUNTS: Not quite. You see, that technique only obscures the issues, which is just half the story. What we wanted to discover was the method the home secretary employs to make the issues appear completely different.

RT: Isn't that just called "lying"?

CUNTS: Nothing so straightforward! You see, what the layman refers to as "lying" is merely modifying the truth — and therefore the stream of facton particles — before they strike the issue, thereby changing the issue's appearance. However, this simplistic type of tampering is relatively easy to detect by a process called "verification" or "checking" and therefore hasn't been deployed since New Labour came to power.

RT: Get on with it, mate — the football starts in ten minutes.

CUNTS: Well, after ages farting around with half-silvered mirrors and spending millions of pounds of taxpayers' money freezing rare gases to absolute zero, messing about with particle accelerators and generally having a good time, we decided to carry on with our research. What we learned was that substances known as "statistics" — which can be quite useful when properly applied — can have a degrading effect on truth particles.

RT: Thought so...

CUNTS: Along with everyone else, we have observed that Mr. Blunkett always coats his proposed legislation with a thin layer of synthetic statistics. What is less well-known is that when the factons strike the statistics, they break down into "factoids" and "nonsequitons".

RT: Which are?

CUNTS: Well, in the same way that a "spheroid" is something that is shaped roughly like a sphere but isn't actually one, a "factoid" is something that looks like a fact but without necessarily being one. A "nonsequiton" is a particle that is a genuine fact, but not one that is related to the issue it has reflected from. Thus, by a combination of the "legislative lens effect" and synthetic statistics, the issues Mr. Blunkett claims to be addressing are both very hard to detect in their original form due to the scattering of factons, and also appear completely different to reality when they are spotted due to the random "noise" of factoids and nonsequitons. It's a most ingenious technique.

RT: So what can be done?

CUNTS: Not a lot. You see, unlike naturally-occurring statistics such as those found generally in mathematics and science, the synthetic statistics produced by government departments are in themselves composed almost entirely of factoids and nonsequitons. As a result, the verification techniques normally used to deduce the quality of factons are likely to a) be hopelessly side-tracked; and b) take years. By the time anyone's worked out what's going on it's far too late to do anything about it.

RT: So, you're really just saying that David Blunkett is full of shit and there's nothing we can do about it short of making bloody certain Labour don't get back in, aren't you?

CUNTS: Er... yes. But come back in a week or two — we have a project team trying to deduce the composition of the radar-reflective paint and noise-dampening technology used in Stealth Taxes...

Economists have calculated that the annual cost to the UK economy of "Blunkett's Bollocks" — as this special form of quantum truth has been nicknamed — is approximately 95bn kg of taxpayers' patience.

Previously

• Less definitely not more, scientists prove
• Velocity-crazed bikers 'breaking laws of quantum physics'
• Jap boffins to cross pig with cucumber and then accelerate it to Mach 7