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I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

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Trawl Rockall for:

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Red-faced Tories apologise for Blunkett visa slur

Red-faced Tories this morning issued an apology to home secretary David Blunkett after demanding a public enquiry into his role in obtaining a visa for his former lover's Filipino nanny. Leoncia Casalme was granted permanent residency after Blunkett personally intervened to fast-track her application. Casalme worked for Blunkett's former squeeze Kimberly Quinn, a US citizen with an keen interest in guide dogs and Braille.

The Conservatives demanded Blunkett's head on a plate after learning of the outrage. Indeed, so incensed was one Home Counties' MP that he beat a Kosovar Albanian Big Issue seller to death with a copy of the Sunday Telegraph after a particularly robust lunch. "This is an abuse of position on a biblical scale," thundered a spokesman for Tory supremo Vlad the Impaler."Blunkett must go, and he must go now. And he must not come back. Ever."

However, a statement by Blunkett's office has forced an embarrassing climb-down by the Opposition. In it, the Minister for National Identity reveals that when he reviewed Casalme's application form, he noted that she had entered a highly competitive 1500 metres time and claimed to have played tennis at international level for the Cory Aquino memorial squad.

"Accordingly," Blunkett intoned, "I decided to award the applicant indefinite leave to remain under the 'Olympic Medal Hopeful' amendment to the Immigration and Nationality Act. In doing this, I have acted entirely in accordance with established government policy regarding the awarding of citizenship to those showing sporting promise."

We contacted Zola Budd to get her input into the spat. "I never touched Mary Decker," she wailed. "The woman just fell over. It ruined my hopes for Olympic glory too, you know. Ever since I was a girl I dreamed of tearfully mounting that podium, draped in a Union Jack, to receive a gold medal for my beloved mother country."

Greg Rusedski rang our office to offer his support for Blunkett. Speaking from his holiday residence in British Columbia, the talented racketsman said: "As a Brit I am saddened by the kind of political shenanigans which attempt to blacken the government instead of offering the voters a viable alternative to the incumbent regime. Gawd bless yer Dave, keep your pecker up, me old china."

Previously

• Blunkett snatches world record
• Those UK Olympic prospects in full
• That new UK Pledge of Allegiance in full