Business as usual for reformist Chaz of Wales

Following last week's royal rumblings concerning crushingly handsome heir to the throne Prince Chaz of Wales, reports were widespread of his condemnation in a memo of Britain’s plucky education system, and his wanton destruction of a nation's hopes which were universally pinned on becoming famous international pop-stars or grumble-vid models. And now, in news set to send shockwaves tearing through the redundant monarchies of Western Europe like AIDS through a Ugandan brothel, The Rockall Times can reveal the latest tirade from Prince Chuck of Leekland, exclusively passed to us by an undercover journalist embedded with the sycophants at Clarence House.

Far from the public face of contrition which Charles Windsor (nee Saxe-Coburg-Gotha) has shown this week, privately he shows no signs of remorse for his comments and has further hardened his unforgiving stance into a sort of royal reinforced concrete. He was overheard in his office during a recent telephone call to his father, the Duke of Edinburgh, in which he outlined his vision of education and aspiration in the UK. Despite rants from the Duke concerning “slitty-eyed, buck-toothed, aboriginal, koala-shagging, whiskey-swigging, spear-throwing, pot-bellied, bloody-ghastly locals” who had strayed onto the Balmoral Estate, Charles went on to tell his father of his passionate ideas for the future of his Kingdom.

Charles has put in motion plans to appoint a shadow privy council, and following the death of his mother — Queen Liz Mk. 2 — will attempt to audaciously seize executive power in the country, dissolve parliament and rule as an absolute monarch. This will bring Britain into line with other widely-admired world powers including Swaziland and freedom-loving paradise Saudi Arabia.

The first of Charles’s planned decrees will be stringent anti “monstrous carbuncle” planning laws, which may mean the end of Milton Keynes as we know it, and will most likely condemn anything built after 1802 to the bulldozer. Crime is also something on which the Prince has very strong views. He believes that full use of the sentencing available to judges would act as more of a deterrent than current juvenile punishments such as three weeks on a paintballing safari and days spent test driving the latest Ferrari at Silverstone. Persistent offenders could face the tried and trusted punishment of transportation overseas, the latest unsavoury American colony of Iraqistan being preferred for non-violent criminals, while the most hardened reprobates will be cast adrift in the Toxteth penal colony of Liverpool, lawless barren wilderness and home to outlaw Boris Johnson, the infamously foppish palsied public-school adulterer.

The education system will experience the most radical King Charles changes. The current system which closely mirrors the well known Fame Academy television model will be scrapped in favour of giving students a far more realistic prospect of their aspirations. Gone will be pipe-dreams of “Robson and Jerome” style super-stardom and instant fame provoked by the accidental exposure of one's breasts to the paparazzi, to be replaced by the Prince's vision of real prospects such as becoming Governor-General of Canada, Viceroy of India or suchlike. Inevitably, corporal punishment will be returning to our schools. Caning, flogging and ritual humiliating buggery will be practised on unruly children and as Charles himself has always maintained, being repeatedly violated by the largest prefect “left one’s pooper a little black and blue, but did one no lasting harm”.

Previously

• Man with six O-Levels makes bid for monarchy
• Prince Charles' moving D-Day tribute
• The Curse of the Windsors