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TV viewers hatch plan to kill Natalie Appleton

The makers of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here are concerned for the wellbeing of contestant Natalie Appleton after it became apparent that millions of UK TV viewers had hatched a plot to kill the highly-talented chanteuse. Appleton has so far had to endure four ordeals, including eating fish eyes while electric eels nibbled at her privates, but worse is to follow if the viewers' vote once again goes against the delightful popstress. The rumours are that Appleton may be required to administer manual relief to former Lady Di butler Paul Burrell while immersed naked in a tank of leeches. Even more terrifying, she may be voted off the show altogether and forced to return to a place where there are no television cameras. Appleton is said to have been stoical about the possible Burrel handjob, but absolutely inconsolable when informed that a return flight to Blighty was a real possibility. The other contestants are rallying round a camera to show their solidarity with poor old Nat.

Mandy Gorgan of Leicestershire has become the first woman to claim the Bingo Caller of the Year title at a hotly-contested final in London. Grogan, 36, impressed the judges with the clear and concise delivery and absolute control of the crowd during her performances. She has, however, disappointed traditionalists with her dismissal of classic UK bingo-callers lines such as "two fat ladies, 88", "legs 11" and "mutual oral sex, 69". Grogan said: "Bingo is a serious business played for big money. We can't have punters being distracted by images of obese women or two people sucking each others' genitals." As part of her prize, Grogan is off to Las Vegas to try out her delivery on the Funcoast Casino, home of the classic calls "Day of Infamy, 9/11", "Jacko's facelifts, 33" and "Dubya's schlong girth, a big fat six". "I won't be doing those, either," confirmed a grim-faced Grogan.

Tate Modern supremo Sir Nicholas Serota has denied that he turned down an offer to host Charles Saatchi's exciting collection of Brit Art on the grounds that preparing the gallery to receive the works would be too costly. Nonetheless, we can reveal that this is in fact the case, and that Serota's biggest concern was raising the £150,000 required to adequately protect the bar area from talented bed-maker Tracey Emin.

We at The Rockall Times today add our endorsement to widespread support for the International Cricket Board's decision to press on with England's tour of Zimbabwe despite concerns surrounding the sun-kissed paradise's regime. As one ICB spokesman put it: "We are quite satisfied that sport has won out in the end, and are looking forward to England's first test against a strong Zanu-PF eleven."

Of the 141 miners trapped underground in the Chenjiashan mine in Shaanxi province, none are British, we can confirm. However, one shaken English backpacker who passed close to the scene of the disaster — which to date has claimed 45 Chinese victims — is said to be "bearing up" after the shock of coming so close to catastrophe. "We're feeding him beer until he gets over the worst of it," confirmed a spokesman at the British Embassy in Beijing.

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